"Let Me Be Free! What to Do When Parents Are Too Involved in Wedding Planning?"

2018.10.20 published

[Preparing for the Wedding] It's Tough to Avoid Parental Interference!

At marry, we are starting a project where we share the concerns and troubles regarding wedding preparations submitted by our readers with our followers, and gather solutions and opinions from everyone!

This time, we asked for responses regarding the worry of "my parents keep interfering in wedding preparations, and it's so tough!"

Here's the content of the consultation we received.

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Consultation Inquiry.

I was proposed to yesterday, and I went to meet my parents for a greeting.

We have been living together for nine months, but the pressure from my mother has been stressful and troubling me since before we went to report it.

She's been very imposing with her suggestions, saying things like, "Why not have the wedding like this?"

Considering his circumstances and family dynamics, we both think it would be normal to have the ceremony and reception domestically and then go on a honeymoon abroad at this point, but my mother believes that spending money on a wedding that only lasts a few hours is a waste and keeps recommending overseas weddings and other options.

I have made reservations for fairs, but due to my parents, my feelings are deflated.

I suspect that my mother is just thinking she would love to visit abroad herself since she likes overseas weddings.

She even insists on knowing my fiancé's LINE ID.

His parents have come to visit me several times, showing consideration for me, but they don't know my LINE contact...

I don't think it's normal to give out your LINE ID before meeting both families, what do you think?

Also, I would appreciate the advice of seasoned brides on how to deal with parents who interfere in wedding preparations.

I've already reached my limit and feel broken.

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Here are experiences and opinions from our followers!

Toxic Parents, Parental Interference, Overbearing Parenting 1

During the wedding preparation stage, my own mother kept saying things like "Having a wedding is a waste," "I won’t attend," and "White is the only color for brides."

"It’s not worth spending money on a wedding that won’t return from the congratulatory gifts," she told me many times!

I was mentally exhausted and felt almost like I was going to get marriage blues. (;o;)

Every time she said such hurtful things, there were fights, and I almost said, "Then don’t come!" multiple times (laughs).

With every argument, I thought, "This isn’t even a parent," but I managed to have a proper discussion with my husband, and we reconciled.

When I started trying on wedding dresses and invited her along to see, the harsh words disappeared (^3^)/

I was able to have a wonderful wedding, and my mother, who had been so opposed, was the one who cried the most (;o;)

Seeing her tears on the day made me realize how much she cared, and I cried too. I'm nothing but grateful to my mother!

Toxic Parents, Parental Interference, Overbearing Parenting 2

"You really don’t look good in a white kimono."

"You don't look good in a wedding dress either, you look like a pig."

"Oh, but that fits the groom perfectly. What a matching couple."

"The wedding venue is shabby."

"It's a waste to spend money on a wedding like yours."

"The guests' outfits look cheap."

And so on, I was told so many horrible things. It really hurt my heart.

I told her many times to just leave me alone if she wasn’t interested, but she completely ignored my wishes, showed up unexpectedly at my new home, and constantly called to ask for detailed updates, only to deny and ridicule everything I said.

I felt like I was going to break... actually, I did break, but thanks to my husband, I'm still alive.

Parents are blood relatives but are strangers in terms of personal relationships. Now that the wedding is over and I'm married, I've decided to interact with her as a stranger.

I value my mother, but I hate her very much. It wasn't enjoyable at all during the wedding preparations, and I just wished for the time to pass quickly...

Toxic Parents, Parental Interference, Overbearing Parenting 3

My mother seems to equate herself with me.

"I wanted to wear this kind of dress, so I hope you wear something like this too!" she really said things like that.

When I rejected her, she cried like a child, and it became uncontrollable.

It's been the same with the venue, dresses, and accessories, and I am always complying with her "if it were me" requests.

It’s a once-in-a-lifetime wedding. I've always dreamed of being a bride. I just want to choose what I like like everyone else.

Toxic Parents, Parental Interference, Overbearing Parenting 4

I was raised by a strict mother. Life has been filled with many rules and restrictions regarding education and manners.

It seems she wanted to raise me to be a leader, constantly saying, "Raise your hand and speak in every class," "You weren't first?" and "99 points! What did you get wrong?" A typical toxic parent!

Even as a child, I hated being in front of people, and as an adult, I didn't want to have a wedding either.

When I got engaged to my partner and expressed that I would marry but not have a wedding, I was told, "You can't let your relatives down!"

"Cousin X had theirs at a top hotel!" and I was pushed to have it somewhere that surpasses that top hotel. I was told to do it and that I had to.

I am not a tool for my parents' pride, so why must I have a wedding just for that?

The moments I'm told to be grateful to my parents, or when I see families that seem close, I feel so envious that I cry.

Toxic Parents, Parental Interference, Overbearing Parenting 5

Not a toxic parent, but...

It seems that his family is not interested in our wedding. During the ceremony, my fiancé's mother, sister, and brother had expressions that were described as resembling a funeral by friends.

(He is from a single-parent home without relative interactions, just three family members)

I met his sister for the first time, and even during the end roll, she turned her back to the screen and was always on her phone (laughs).

They will be relatives in the future, but I have no idea how to relate to them (laughs).

Toxic Parents, Parental Interference, Overbearing Parenting 6

I am a graduate bride.

My "toxic parents" are my in-laws.

Since both my parents have passed away, my husband's parents are viewed as toxic by me.

First, there's my father-in-law.

He invited five of his friends to the wedding for some reason. Although he insisted that I cover the accommodation costs for relatives and his friends, in the end, it was my husband who paid.

Moreover, because the pre-wedding stay was distant, it was scheduled to occur the day before, yet he coincided it with his brother’s 77th birthday celebration.

My husband covered both the birthday set and accommodation costs.

I truly don’t know who the main person is.

Furthermore, on the wedding day, my father-in-law and his friends independently arranged some sort of entertainment.

There had been several invitations from my in-laws about activities, and each time I said, "According to the venue's rules, only one group from each family is allowed," and "The time schedule is too tight; that's impossible."

But they went ahead and spoke with the planner and arranged it themselves.

What’s even more frustrating is that this "entertainment" turned out to be passing congratulatory money in front of guests.

To top it off, all five who came up to speak began saying something, leading to more than five minutes being taken away, so I couldn’t take wedding photos with my friends at the high altar.

Despite no financial support for the wedding costs, their behavior was extremely frustrating.

My mother-in-law expressed a desire to see the pre-wedding photography, and when she was selected to be a monitor for the shoot, I invited her to this shoot.

Since my parents have passed, I thought it was fine, but the location for the shoot was the dress shop.

There was no dressing room like in a venue, so I was using a space meant for trying on dresses to do my hair and makeup.

Because the mother-in-law had nowhere to wait, the staff set up a chair for her right in front of me, so she was sitting there.

While I was getting my hair and makeup done, since it was a traditional dress, I was dressed in a down that exposed my shoulders without a bra.

At that moment, my mother-in-law started taking pictures with her tablet!!!

I couldn’t believe it. If it were my own parents, I might have understood, but I was stuck in a dilemma as to how to tell my mother-in-law to stop.

Thankfully, the beautician noticed and

said, "Mother-in-law, this is not a sight you can show to anyone since it's more embarrassing than swimwear, so please don’t take photos."

If the beautician hadn't spoken up, I would have been mortified showing my embarrassingly dressed state to others.

Even on the wedding day, my mother-in-law had said she would pay for the dressing costs and hair and makeup, but in the end, it was my husband who footed the bill.

My in-laws are not poor; they have money, yet I ended up being treated like this, and of course, there was no engagement money.

They are not bad individuals, but when money comes into play, it becomes problematic.

After the wedding, I received a LINE message from my mother-in-law.

Without having paid any money, she stated, "Let’s not put too much pressure on each other from now on," which was so infuriating to hear from someone who had contributed nothing.

There were good things about the wedding, but there were also many frustrating aspects due to my in-laws. Just recalling it makes me upset.

Toxic Parents, Parental Interference, Overbearing Parenting 7

My mother came with me every time to choose a dress!

While I was happy to have her join, she ignored my opinions and kept suggesting her own.

I decided to have the ceremony at my workplace, so I wanted to prioritize the opinions of my superiors, but

even though she knew it was my workplace, she made snide comments toward my superiors, which really made me feel bad, and I have vivid memories of apologizing to my colleagues later.

I later went to apologize, bringing treats.

Even regarding the dress I wanted to wear, it was a struggle because she kept getting involved, but eventually, my seniors handled her well, and I was able to wear the dress that my husband and I chose!

Yet, the unpleasant feelings I had back then still linger with me! That's my episode.

Toxic Parents, Parental Interference, Overbearing Parenting 8

When the situation with toxic parents is severe, being open with the venue staff often leads to surprisingly smooth resolutions!

I hope the bride's concerns are resolved, even a little...

Of course! ^ ^

I used to be a planner, and I solved many brides' and parents' problems!!

When you confide your worries, everyone at the venue can brainstorm and collaborate to help.

The venue has historical data, so it's often smooth to persuade parents with numbers, and professionals in the wedding industry or third parties might communicate things that parents are willing to accept!

Such toxic parents often act out on the wedding day without the bride noticing, but if you inform the venue, they can manage it!

I pray for the consultation seeker and their parents to have a wedding they can all be happy with ^ ^

Toxic Parents, Parental Interference, Overbearing Parenting 9

I also have toxic parents, and I couldn't help but DM you.

If your in-laws are kind people, asking them for help might work.

Toxic parents often care about their reputation, so having your in-laws communicate can sometimes surprisingly make them listen.

I also think it's okay to say, “If you don’t like it, then you don’t have to participate.”

In this day and age, there are many ways to make excuses for not attending.

Toxic Parents, Parental Interference, Overbearing Parenting 10

Until recently, I was a planner.

I encountered customers in similar situations, and frustrations would often be directed at us planners.

However, when you listen carefully, sometimes there are underlying wishes or past failures they’ve experienced.

Many of them have also had hurtful experiences from their own parents or in-laws.

In the past, weddings were not planned by the couple; they were arranged by their parents or matchmakers, with the couple just going along for the ride.

From the perspective of parents of couples from that generation, they probably think, "Now it's our turn to prepare for you!"

It’s a challenge to find a balance but taking good advantage of help and seeking advice often helps things progress smoothly.

It must be really tough...

But one motivation I kept was hoping for those parents to say, "That was a wonderful day!” on the big day!

I’m rambling, but I wanted to share some memories!

Toxic Parents, Parental Interference, Overbearing Parenting 11

My mother was also the type to interfere.

She insisted that the gifts should be things, not catalogues, and that the invitation shouldn’t have a Disney design...

However, in my case, the one saving grace was that my father’s perspective was, "Since you are getting married, prioritize what your husband’s parents say."

So, when my mother said no, I would counter, "His parents want this," and it worked!

For things I had no strong opinions on, I'd consult with my mother and go with her to see it for a while!

Toxic Parents, Parental Interference, Overbearing Parenting 12

After we set the wedding date a few months ago, I was met with comments like, "Can’t you change the date? It’s during the cold season, after all. I understand your work circumstances, but the wedding isn't everything, right?" Regarding the invitation, I was bombarded with questions about how long the lines should be and that some guests should receive invitations separately, among many other things.

Toxic Parents, Parental Interference, Overbearing Parenting 13

I completely understand that feeling, especially considering it's your own mother. 😭

However, being financially supported can create a situation where they feel entitled to interfere, and my mental health was already breaking down, but

Surmising “Whose wedding is this? Is it your wedding?” multiple times helped me settle down gradually.

Toxic Parents, Parental Interference, Overbearing Parenting 14

Regarding toxic parents.

I recently became a graduate bride, and because I suffered a lot from toxic parents, I can completely relate.

In my case, despite my dislike, I felt that having been raised by such toxic parents made it impossible for me to oppose them.

However, my husband changed my thinking. He was someone who could clearly express his thoughts and feelings, which really saved me.

As a coping strategy, I would incorporate some of my parents' opinions where possible while having my husband communicate to my parents regarding non-negotiables or responding with, "I'll think about it" without acting.

However, since there might be backlash from my parents after the wedding for things I couldn't incorporate, I complimented them on whatever I was able to adopt to placate them.

Toxic Parents, Parental Interference, Overbearing Parenting 15

I’ll be getting married in the spring of 2019.

I often receive various comments from them (my home is in Kansai, and I live in Tokyo).

Because of that, I haven't consulted with them at all from the very beginning.

I suspect that your mother hasn’t detached from you yet.

While the wedding is a day to show gratitude to your parents, it’s also the day you become independent and a married couple, so it would be good to convey that decisions will be made as a couple in the future.

Toxic Parents, Parental Interference, Overbearing Parenting 16

It’s not a big deal, but my grandmother is like that.

I’m 27 now, but my parents divorced about three years ago.

I had already moved out, so I didn’t have any attachment to either one.

My paternal grandmother has been rather nagging.

What particularly frustrated me was when she asked, "Is your mother coming? Since she’s no longer part of the X family (my father’s last name), it’s normal not to invite her."

I thought, "How dare you say such things after living together in a multi-generational household for about 20 years!"

Society has changed over the last 50 years (since my grandmother’s wedding), so I told her, "I’m going to do it my way!"

Since my grandmother seems to be obsessed with “family,” to reflect my resolve, I intend to hold a wedding without any reference to the X family.

(It’s quite common now to have for example "bride guest" at receptions.)

In short, I’m going to ignore her statement (laughs).

However, I will still consider areas that must be taken seriously.

Regarding Relationships with Parents

Let’s get some love and comfort from our spouses!!!

The relationship between parent and child, especially between mothers and daughters, can often be complex...

They may struggle to think of each other as distinct individuals and the desires to control or to seek acknowledgment and praise can intertwine in complicated feelings, often leading to emotional pain.

However, I believe a big reason why such relationships arise is the tendency to "focus on one."?

The mother-daughter dynamic isn’t everything.

Many perspectives and people exist in the world, and your life doesn’t revolve solely around the two of you. There are countless allies beyond just your mother!!

Especially for brides-to-be approaching their weddings, securing the utmost and best partner in life, your husband, puts you in the strongest position♡

When tough times arise or if something saddens you, share with your husband, letting him comfort you with,

"You’ve done well," "That’s tough," or "This is hard."

Allow him to caress your head gently.

Those tough feelings could alleviate, and you might just discover solutions♡

➡︎ Check out the full list of wedding worries and inquiries here.