"I Want to Collect! But... What Should I Do if I Don't Receive Congratulations from Friends After Getting Married?"

2018.11.06 published

I Got Married, But No Celebrations...

Hello, I am Haruno Tsuzaki, the editor of marry.

We received a dilemma from a bride on marry's Instagram.

Here’s the content:

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I had a resort wedding with only relatives invited. I didn’t invite friends.

I have many friends and have attended numerous weddings in the past. I have always been grateful when invited to any after-parties.

The family-only resort wedding was a wonderful experience. However, when I returned to Japan, I felt a little sad.

I dislike feeling sad over something like this, but none of my friends have given me [wedding gifts].

I have been giving 30,000 yen as a congratulatory gift each time. I have also sent gifts separately on occasion.

I understand that hosting a reception incurs a cost of around 30,000 yen, and there's a mindset that the congratulatory gift is equivalent to the participation fee.

Nonetheless, I believe that a congratulatory gift represents celebration, and it makes me too sad that my friends do not give me any gifts simply because I didn't have a reception.

It feels like I haven’t been celebrated for my marriage.

Are there any brides in the same situation who feel “I haven’t received any congratulatory money! I haven’t been celebrated!”??

How did you process these feelings? Please let me know.

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Here are all the responses we received!＊

Response 1 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

When I got married, I didn’t receive a single yen from my husband’s family or relatives...

I didn't want money, but I changed how I interacted with them 😱

I also made an effort to forget about the gifts!

Response 2 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

There were friends who brought 10,000 yen, others who brought three 5,000 yen bills... I’ve seen a variety of friends at two weddings, and I’m accepting that some are just that way.

I don’t think it’s sad; rather, I wonder if they are just not very considerate or if they came despite financial difficulties – and that’s where I leave it.

Even if they're broke, if there were no collective gifts or anything, could it be that I’m just seen as that level of a “friend”?

Response 3 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I married far away in my husband's hometown, and only one friend from my hometown came to my wedding (she declined even though I invited her).

However, people I met through work and colleagues (from various places in Japan) came to celebrate.

So, it really irritated me when local friends couldn’t come due to financial difficulties when they already knew.

When one friend who had promised me a gift didn’t send anything, I felt disappointed; but regardless, I was able to have a really great wedding that day.

I decided to cherish those who attended and those who couldn’t but sent telegrams. I think one can see a person's true nature during a wedding, so I try to accept it in that way.

Response 4 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I recently had my wedding ceremony and reception, but most of my peers are currently pregnant or just had their babies.

I had given gifts to all their weddings and baby showers, and I thought I’d at least receive a telegram on the day, but nothing came.

All I received were texts about not being able to attend after sending the invites. It made me fed up, thinking they should understand the prep costs of weddings and invitations.

In the end, I think weddings are won by those who do them first, and if you do them later, you end up losing out.

If you can’t accept your feelings, why not send out wedding postcards with your resort wedding photos? People with common sense might send gifts!

Response 5 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I think it might be a bit wrong to expect a return for wedding gifts...

If you want words or gestures of congratulations from your friends, you should properly invite them.

If you wanted your friends' congratulations, perhaps choosing a resort wedding isn’t the best option.

What was your priority? You chose to have a resort wedding with only close relatives, which means you wanted a lovely location and a homey atmosphere, right?

Plus, wanting gifts from your friends on top of that seems a bit greedy.

Response 6 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I had an overseas wedding with only family later.

But since I wanted my friends to celebrate me, I held a second party in Japan only. It was a pay-for-use second party, so no gifts were included.

However, I felt it was okay since I didn’t want to burden my friends with wedding costs.

Both my husband and I have many friends, and we’ve been through so much over the years. Some sent physical presents, and half-returns for gifts were often cumbersome as well.

In the future, there will be new houses and baby celebrations, so I hope that friends who couldn't give gifts this time can congratulate me later too, and we can balance things out naturally!

(Perhaps that’s why I seem to receive richer housewarming gifts lately.) If you are seriously concerned, I recommend at least having a second party! Maybe they call it a “1.5-party”?

Response 7 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I think it’s rare for friends to just receive money without hosting a reception.

For my friends who didn’t hold a reception, I got some close friends together to order a wedding cake and gave them a present.

I believe that money is not the only form of congratulations. If you really want money, considering having an after-party in Japan would be good!

Response 8 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I send gifts to friends who attended my wedding even if I may not have been invited to their wedding reception.

I set a budget of around 10,000 yen for gifts.

When I first checked, I saw opinions online saying, “If I received 30,000 yen as a gift, I should return exactly 30,000 yen!”

But, if I give 30,000, to be honest, that’s just the cost of food, isn’t it? So I think of gifts more as an expression of my feelings!

In that sense, I can understand the feeling that gifts equal a fee!

But weddings involve expenses like dresses, hair, and others, so I feel one should at least return the gesture with something, even if it’s small.

Response 9 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I received congratulatory gifts during my wedding, but...

On the contrary, I have given gifts to friends who got married.

It’s been two years after my wedding, and yet no gifts. People said they'd send gifts later...

Since my marriage was one of the last among my friends, I feel like I have to accept it, but it makes me feel lonely.

Response 10 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I really don't understand why I have this feeling!

There was a situation with someone in the same boat; they canceled the last minute, but I get that they didn't know the cost involved since they hadn't held a wedding.

Someone else filled in, but of course, I rejected their gift.

I see that most expenses like food, favors, and last-minute gifts almost cancel out on a per-person basis.

Was my expectation of receiving something in return for my friends' generosity misguided?

I feel that with family weddings, there's an implication if one doesn't host a party, it doesn’t lead to guests feeling compelled to give gifts, especially from friends.

To be honest, I think people give money as a courtesy when attending receptions; receiving gifts from people who weren't invited feels awkward.

It's a bit selfish of me, and maybe I’m expecting too much from my friends.

Also, while the questioner has paid multiple times, it doesn't mean others are indebted to reciprocate equally, and it seems their perception is skewed based on past attendances.

Friends aren’t family, and not everyone thinks, “Wow, they must have had a tough time with wedding costs.” That’s common for all.

Instead of feeling disappointed in friends, the questioner can make a point to treat others as they wished to be treated when their friends also have weddings in the future.

They should focus on delivering what they felt was missing this time. This could uplift the heart!

Keep it up!

Response 11 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

While this might lead to another discussion, it relates.

This involves childbirth; having a baby before my friends, one visited three weeks after the birth with a melon as a gift.

I received gifts from other friends and, of course, returned them. However, for the friend with the melon, I ultimately decided against a return.

They mentioned it was a delicious gift from a neighbor and brought it over to share.

If it had been a purchased item, I would have returned a gift, but I rethought the gesture this time.

Later, that friend had a baby, and another friend and I pooled our money to get them a higher-priced outfit as a gift (about 4,000 yen each).

Though I didn’t expect it, I was upset they didn’t return the favor.

I felt if it were me, I’d return the favor with something around a third of the amount!

Gifts can be complicated, right? Inviting friends for a meal could yield surprises!

Response 12 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I am not a bride, but...

It struck me how strange this dilemma is so I wanted to point it out.

The resort wedding and the choice to invite only family were this bride’s decisions, weren’t they?

Attending friends’ weddings were also her choice, and no one forced that upon her either, right?

Feeling upset about gifts not coming from friends is a bit pushy, don’t you think?

Wanting a cash gift essentially translates to, “Please celebrate me with money!”

I assume she has received at least a congratulatory message or small gift from friends, and isn’t that sufficient?

If she wants more, perhaps she shouldn’t have chosen a resort wedding or made sure to invite friends!

Frankly, the nature of her concerns feels a bit childish and bothersome to hear.

I apologize for writing this, but this is just my opinion.

Response 13 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I had a ceremony with only relatives, but a celebratory function with friends 😊

One friend said they couldn't make it due to school schedules, but they mentioned they’d pass along a gift through another friend.

I felt gratified because I had attended their wedding, but on the wedding day and afterward, nothing arrived, and I didn't dare ask.

We hadn’t been in regular contact lately, and maybe we faded as friends. That’s how I saw it.

Also, for those who go to fewer weddings, they might think of the cost as an obligation.

Response 14 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I think from a guest's perspective, a family wedding suggests they want something smaller.

People may feel happy to celebrate, but that doesn’t necessarily lead to sending gifts...

When I feel valued by receiving an invitation, I want to celebrate more.

Maybe it’s just a matter of differing perspectives...

Response 15 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I totally understand!

I participated and helped with the reception for a senior at work.

The following year, when I invited them, they couldn't attend due to scheduling conflicts.

While that was unavoidable, I didn’t receive a gift or recognition.

It’s not even about wanting gifts, but I thought, “What rude behavior.” These things stick with you for years!

I cannot take it out on them now, but I make it a point to not do the same!

When those I invited have weddings, whether they host receptions or just family, I send gifts no matter what.

There is a lingering bitterness, but let’s see it as an experience and move on.

Response 16 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I feel exactly the same!

I didn’t want to host a reception obligating guests to spend money and time, so I forwent it.

Friends from past weddings have gifted me various things, but some have not.

If they view gifts as the equivalent to reception participation fees, then it explains a lot.

I consider my attendance legislative to celebrating; my gift represents pure goodwill as I'm contributing to the event’s expenses!

Isn't it disheartening to feel my goodwill is dismissed as just the cost of food when I truly wanted to celebrate?

Are they not grateful for my support at their events?

It makes me reflect and feel relieved not to have thrown a reception.

Response 17 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

If you don't host a reception, then you likely won’t receive any gifts.

If you meet directly, I can offer gifts, but there’s no occasion to give otherwise.

I consider-wedding gifts to be effectively participation fees, as food and favors make the expenses more transparent.

Without a reception, I think a simpler present around 5,000 yen might be more appropriate.

Response 18 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

Did your friends take you out for a meal or offer cake when you got together?

If not, then of course that’s a bit sad.

However, since we often associate money with celebrations, when things deviate, people might be unsure about how to react!

Response 19 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

First, it’s great that there are various perspectives on the meaning of gifts!

Are there plans for follow-up parties or casual gatherings?

If not, consider setting the stage for receiving gifts.

Perhaps some friends didn’t see an opportunity to send gifts because there wasn't an occasion to present them.

Why not think differently? Perhaps your friends will think of other means to convey their congratulations!

In any case, you're well-received by your wonderful friends, so I hope you get to express gratitude next time!

Response 20 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I hosted a pay-for-use wedding, yet because of scheduling conflicts with work and kids, I couldn’t have all the friends at my wedding.

Given that I’m moving abroad, I created a wedding gift list.

I privately requested items if anyone intended to celebrate when sharing wedding news.

I discreetly shared the wedding gift list URL on Facebook.

About 80% of people contributed via this method.

I designed the wish list for inexpensive items, exempting from return gifts, and still made sure to send those who sent gifts a photo book of the day and souvenirs from my husband’s country.

I understand the imbalance in the gifting culture in Japan, yet I share your sentiments — I have many friends and have led various events through them.

I believe keeping these feelings unresolved can linger endlessly, so hosting a pay-for-use party in Japan might be the best route.

There, gifts may be sent alongside participation fees, and some friends might even surprise you with gifts!

Creating opportunities for celebration is in your hands.

Response 21 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I was invited to a friend’s wedding, but they couldn't come to mine because of schedule conflicts.

Initially, I thought, “I gave them a congratulatory gift, but they gave me nothing back.” However, after my marriage, I realized that the money given largely goes for food costs and favors, meaning it largely goes into covering operational costs.

As a result, if I don’t receive anything from friends (especially since we’ve become distanced) it’s easy to accept.

But if I were to be your friend, I would absolutely send something! It’s just a personal way of viewing it.

Response 22 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I also didn't receive any congratulations from friends who came to my wedding!

However, I feel that while gifts have meaning, part of the money is tied into the friend’s costs and favors!

So I wasn’t overly concerned about receiving gifts 😊 My friends likely did not put much thought into it either!

Response 23 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I feel the same way. I don’t necessarily want to “recoup” money spent on gifts.

However, it’s like being on the receiving end of unrequited affection when giving congratulatory gifts while not receiving any in return.

Response 24 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I think it’s rather bold and selfish.

Response 25 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I saw my friends in the same situation!

Gifts might be received (around 3,000 yen each), but I didn’t receive any congratulatory gifts.

I’m contemplating how to interact with those friends from now on. Sadly, even if they have kids, I’ve decided against sending baby gifts.

Response 26 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

They may be friends, but essentially they are strangers. It’s just the level of relationship that existed.

It would be unbecoming to ask for gifts, so I’ll try to move on with my mindset instead.

Response 27 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I haven’t had a wedding yet, but I’ve only received congratulatory gifts from family.

Although I occasionally receive gifts from my husband’s associates, I haven’t received anything from friends.

Since I haven’t had a wedding yet, I never thought I would receive congratulatory money.

Even if I held a resort wedding and did not invite them, I wouldn’t consider it a loss.

Just saying congratulations makes me happy, and if I could receive a token of their feelings, that would really delight me.

Isn’t it a bit unreasonable to expect gifts when you have not hosted a wedding?

It seems irrelevant how many weddings one attends; if they haven’t been invited, I don’t think that ties them to a gift.

It’s peculiar to impose your thoughts that gifts should represent emotions onto others.

If you truly desire congratulatory presents, why not hold a gathering exclusively for friends?

Response 28 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

Nice to meet you!

I messaged you because I identified with a bride’s concern.

In my circle, it's rare for friends to have resort weddings, and when I chose to have a wedding, there were countless questions, framed as having “no intention” of sending gifts.

After releasing invitations, relatives couldn’t make it; however, my mother was frequently consulted about when gifts should be given.

Some friends held celebration events or provided gifts, which helped temper any disappointment I felt, but often the only feedback I received was mere congratulations.

Ultimately, I’m still happy I achieved my ideal wedding.

Feeling the need for a return might cast a shadow, but honestly, I find myself feeling the same way as the questioner.

Those who had resort weddings may understand, but friends who are still single or had domestic weddings might find it hard to relate.

I apologize that I’m not adding clarity, but I look forward to more perspectives from others.

Response 29 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I had a family-only wedding, and although I received various gifts, I didn’t care about the absence of 30,000 yen gifts.

As you know from hosting weddings, the biggest expenses primarily revolve around food.

While gifts represent sentiments, many likely see theirs as investments in a wonderful event.

Hence, without a reception, I think simply sending cash gifts may not be prevalent.

If this bothers you, why not plan a gathering with just your friends to create an opportunity for celebration?

Response 30 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I’m in a similar situation.

Is it that resort weddings or no receptions render one non-eligible for gifts?

For friends’ weddings, it’s rare to receive gifts or money.

When I mention this, it often solicits responses like, “You shouldn’t give money to friends! How inconsiderate!”

Still, gifts can feel gracious and mature.

Even among unmarried friends, I have one who kindly asked what I’d like if they were to give me a present equivalent to the expected cash gift. This level of consideration is immensely appreciated.

Response 31 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I don’t see handing out 30,000 yen to friends as feasible.

However, items for the home, like dishes or such, seem appropriate instead. If nothing was given, then perhaps that reflects the nature of the relationship itself.

Response 32 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

This differs slightly, but I had two friends who said they’d attend, then suddenly canceled.

Afterward, I didn’t hear anything from them at all. I found their actions inconsiderate and decided to distance myself.

I doubt I’ll reach out anymore; I processed my feelings by cutting ties, but sometimes I do feel frustrated by their absence and think of how sadly they cannot celebrate someone’s happiness.

If you want to maintain a friendship, perhaps you could mention lightly, “Hey, I didn’t receive a gift!”

Response 33 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

Not receiving gifts seems commonplace to me. In such cases, I give tangible presents. Wouldn’t a 1.5-party have been beneficial?

Response 34 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

It’s distressing to feel that those who are celebrated don’t make an effort for celebration themselves.

Response 35 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

I didn’t receive anything since I had only a family wedding. I received some tangible gifts from friends though.

I certainly didn’t receive anything from those I invited to my wedding.

I think it should be more expected to receive something if one has hosted a wedding.

I don’t think gifts come solely from those you’ve celebrated previously, so I didn’t feel disheartened at all!

Response 36 to the issue of not receiving congratulatory money

From a guest’s perspective with family weddings, they suggest a more intimate celebration and while wanting to honor them, I don’t feel that compels an expectation for gifts...

When directly invited, I feel valued, and that encourages me to celebrate.

Perhaps it’s just a divergence of understanding.

Celebrating Joyful Moments Together

We’ve shared all the opinions submitted to this inquiry!＊

The issue of gifts and congratulations revolves around the opposing axes of “feelings” versus “money,” leading to a variety of perspectives.

(I believe money as a means to express feelings can be good!)

Regardless of whether one holds a wedding, when joy arises, everyone should be willing to celebrate with genuine feelings of “Congratulations!”

It’s essential to do so without causing discomfort, maximizing shared joy during such opportunities,

hoping to nurture important relationships over time.

For those who feel sad about not receiving blessings, fewer indeed provide an ideal world.