Feeling Guilty and Burdened: Is It Only Childhood Friends Who Can Be Asked to Give a Speech on Behalf of Friends?

2021.01.11 published

Should I ask the same person to do the representative speech for my wedding if I did it for theirs?

At marry, we are conducting a project where we collect and publicly display the wedding concerns of brides-to-be, inviting our readers to provide answers＊

This time, the concern is as follows.

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I'm struggling to decide who to ask for the representative speech at my wedding.

I'm scared that asking someone might ruin our relationship.

Don't you think there's a "return the favor" culture when it comes to representative speeches from the bride's friends?

For example, if someone asks for a speech at their wedding, you would feel obliged to ask them for a speech at yours...

Four years ago, I was asked to give a representative speech at my childhood friend's A-chan's wedding.

Next year, I will also be having a wedding, but over the past few years, I have become closer with another friend, B-chan, and to be honest, I want to ask B-chan to give the speech.

I have no recent memories with A-chan (since she has gotten married and had children, we’ve grown distant), so if I were to ask A-chan, I’m worried it would just be a speech full of old memories.

However, knowing A-chan's personality, it seems obvious that she would want to give a speech, and I can predict that she would be angry if I asked B-chan instead.

I think it’s a common issue among women, but friendships tend to change during school and work, right?

How does everyone decide who to ask to give the representative speech?

I’d like to hear how other brides with similar concerns have handled it.

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Indeed...!!

It does feel a bit like we're "reading pairs" during the representative speech, doesn’t it? What does everyone else do???

Here are some of the responses we received ♡

Problem 1 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

I also wanted to have someone else give a speech rather than the person I did it for,

so I opted for table speeches instead and had both of them give speeches.

The time allotted for each person was shorter, but it was great that everyone got to speak.

Problem 2 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

I gave a speech for my friend A, who I was close with throughout middle and high school.

A also came to my wedding, but I asked another friend, B, to give the speech.

A and B are friends too.

Since A got married and had kids, I haven't been able to see her as often.

But I still hang out with B often, and I had already introduced her to my husband before we were married.

So it didn't affect my relationship with B at all!

Problem 3 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

I also couldn’t narrow it down to one close friend, and I thought that if I left it to just one person, they might be too nervous until the moment of the speech,

so I had several of my close friends participate in an interview format with the MC to share memories about me or give comments.

Of course, I asked them in advance if it was okay to interview them, and since there was no need for special preparation on their part, they were happy to oblige!

Problem 4 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

I gave a speech at my best friend's wedding, who I was closest to in high school!

However, for my own wedding, I asked a friend from my hometown who I’ve known longer to give the speech!

At the wedding of that hometown friend, another person gave the speech instead of me!

So I think it's perfectly fine not to worry about "returning the favor" of giving a speech( ¨̮ )

Problem 5 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

This isn’t from my personal experience, but I think asking a special friend for important duties like being a receptionist or organizing the after-party in place of a speech

would likely not make them feel bad either ✨

If you're still unsure, I think asking the friend you've known the longest among your guests to share childhood stories would make it the least complicated!

Problem 6 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

I decided to skip the representative speech altogether and increased the time for games and chatting with everyone!

If you're struggling with who to ask, then you might just eliminate the speech or have each person give a speech!

At my sister's wedding, the MC went around the tables and conducted a table interview, dividing it among friends from the hometown and the vocational school!

Problem 7 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

Slightly different, but I asked a friend from my club activities, not my best friend, to give a speech!

I felt a bit guilty towards my best friend, so I also did a surprise gesture to express my gratitude on the day!

I think it's best to ask who you’d like to ask ☺️

Problem 8 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

I don’t think this is the case across the board ☺️.

In fact, the friend I asked to give the representative speech at my wedding didn’t ask me for a speech at her wedding!

Instead, I was asked to sign as the representative on the wedding certificate 🌟

It is your wedding, so do what you believe is best 🌼 I hope it becomes a wonderful ceremony...🙏

Problem 9 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

I’m not great at speaking in front of people, so I decided not to have speeches 🎤

I felt sorry for the person asked, as they would have to spend time thinking about what to say and be nervous until their turn.

I wanted the guests to enjoy the day stress-free, so I did not ask for speeches or performances.

A representative speech is not required, so if you're in doubt, it's okay to skip it and spend that time on games or photo opportunities instead.

Problem 10 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

It might be better not to do a representative greeting speech at all.

I didn’t do one, so that I could spend more time having friends come to the front and take pictures (^^)

Problem 11 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

I have also given speeches for friends, but at my own wedding, I asked a different friend to give the speech \( ˆoˆ )/

I think it’s more memorable to have the friend you most want to speak on your behalf!

Problem 12 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

I also struggled with who to ask to give a speech among three friends.

One of them was someone I had previously given a speech for.

To be honest, I thought I had to ask that person, but I figured it would be better to have someone I really wanted to read it, so I didn’t ask them.

Instead, maybe you could have that person exit with you at the end?

If you're still worried, you should talk to them directly. Inviting them means they are a close friend so they should understand!

If they wouldn't, then you probably wouldn't invite them ☺

I struggled quite a bit too, but it’s your wedding. I think it’s best to have the person you want to read for you!

Problem 13 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

I had about five friends I wanted to ask to read.

In such cases, I had A read a letter at the after-party, and during the reception, we played a game to see who could reply to invitations the fastest, instead of exchanging letters!

This was somewhat flexible, and no one seemed to notice, so it ended up being a fair arrangement.

B happened to catch the bouquet, and later I told her, "I actually wanted you to read the friend’s letter," and that worked out easily 🙆‍♀️

Problem 14 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

My wedding isn’t until later, but I’m in a similar situation, so I’m sending this in!

I was asked to give a speech at my childhood friend’s wedding. However, another close friend had told me beforehand that they wanted to give a speech at their wedding!

I didn’t want either of them to feel bad, so I thought about these options:

① Ask both to give a speech, and have them read one speech together

② Have the friend who isn’t reading the speech participate in other performances (like participating during the dozen roses segment or during the exit).

③ Explain the situation to each of them and get their understanding (e.g., tell B, “I had originally promised A..."). Combining this with option ② might yield better results.

I felt that if both friends were ones they cared about, they would understand.

I hope both the main character and the guests can be satisfied♪

Problem 15 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

I’m someone who just finished a wedding in November.

Honestly, I understand the feeling of wanting to return the favor with speeches, but I asked the person I really wanted to.

Ultimately, the one I asked ended up giving birth around the same time, so I ended up asking a different close friend instead, haha

After all, I had been asked for speeches by several friends.

Since it was my first and last wedding, I think it’s better to ask someone I really want!

Problem 16 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

I was asked to give a friend speech at A’s wedding, but a year later at my own, I asked a different friend instead 😊

Of course, A was also there.

When choosing someone to ask for a speech, I considered who would be good at it and had plenty of episodes connecting us 😊

I think it's completely natural that the person they think is their best friend might differ from the one you believe is yours ☺️

A might have felt a bit disappointed, but if they showed that attitude or let it affect future interactions, it would just show their true character 😩💦

By the way, A invited me out for a meal after the wedding and said she was glad she attended 😊

I don't think you need to worry too much about it, in my opinion ☺️

Problem 17 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

I understand! Relationships among women can get complicated.

Moreover, those who care about such things tend to care a lot. They may hold grudges and speak ill of others, which is quite childish.

In reality, I have also seen people upset, saying, "I wasn't asked to give a representative speech! I'm shocked!"

The extent of their eagerness to "speak" is just a mystery...

It’s tough because they are friends, but I think it’s best to ignore such people and ask who you want.

If you really don’t want to cause any friction, you could ask someone outside the friend category, like a sibling or senior!

Problem 18 with asking a friend for a representative speech at the wedding

I was shocked when I wasn’t asked to give the representative speech at the wedding of someone I thought was my best friend.

I felt like it was akin to realizing that I was the only one who thought we were close, and it made me sad like being cheated on or realizing it was unrequited love.

Of course, it’s ultimately the bride's decision who to ask for a speech, and I personally am not great at speaking in front of people or writing speeches, but it still made me feel sad.

Friendships among women can be quite difficult!

It's tough to be in a close-knit group and have to pick just one person to ask, which seems quite unfair.

(This is why some people opt to ask multiple people to speak.)

This whole issue of asking for speeches reminds me of when, as children, we would ask our friends, "Who is your favorite of all?" and expect them to say "You!"

Or if someone would get upset, "I'm angry because you are close with someone else! I’ll ignore you!"

(Looking back, those exchanges seem quite terrifying.)

It's often said that women inherently have a tendency to possessiveness...

I’m sure there are many complexities and struggles involved, but let’s grow up to be able to be independent and adopt a mindset of "doing what we want" or "supporting others doing what they want."

It's perfectly fine to ask anyone for a representative speech!

The notion of “I must ask that person because I asked them last time... oh, I don’t want to...” is rude to all parties involved.

Just remember that this performance isn’t a must, and if you choose to do it, ask someone you genuinely want to!