"It Seems They Don't Even Want to See My Face: A Friend's Guest Refuses to Attend the Wedding After Breaking Up"

2019.02.01 published

I Invited My Ex-Couple to the Wedding, But They Said They Don't Want to Attend...

This project publicly shares a problem consultation sent to marry's Instagram, seeking responses and sharing them.

Here is the content of the consultation we received.

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There was a couple who were really close to us and often hung out together as a group of four with mutual friends.

However, that couple recently broke up.

According to the woman, the reason was the man's controlling behavior, and she stated,

"I never want to see him again. I want to erase the five years we dated."

To be honest, both my partner and I wanted them to come to our wedding, but that is difficult in the current situation.

I particularly want to invite the woman, and my husband wants to invite the man, which has led to many fights between us lately about how to invite them both.

What should we do in this case...?

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This situation seems quite plausible among classmates or childhood friends.

We have gathered experiences related to it!

Response 1 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

My husband's friend group had a similar situation!!

We wanted both of them to come, so we sent invitations to both. Whether they come or not is ultimately up to them.

However, I personally think that saying, "I won't attend your wedding because that person is there" is irrelevant.

It feels childish and lonely to me 😞

Rather than worrying about someone else's presence, if they genuinely want to celebrate, it seems they should attend the wedding.

If both can attend, it might also be necessary to consider separating their seating arrangements, etc. 😌

By the way, in our case, both attended. Although it was tough to separate their seats, we took care to ensure they were not next to each other.

We could still take a group photo together smoothly 🙆‍♀️

Response 2 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

I had a couple that I used to hang out with as a group of four, but they broke up.

My friend (the girl) didn’t attend the wedding, but we celebrated together later! It was her suggestion.

The guy was invited as he was my husband’s friend representative!

Response 3 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

It has been a year since we got married, but about two years before getting married, we introduced our friends to each other, and those two ended up dating!

However, they broke up after a year and a half...

As we were planning our own wedding, we wanted those two to attend, so I checked in advance with, "I think ◯◯ (insert name) also wants to invite your guest, is that okay?"

They both replied, "We're coming to celebrate you two, so our situation doesn't matter! We definitely want to celebrate you!"

Both were really mature about it, and I’m so grateful!

On the wedding day, it might also be good to avoid creating situations where they would face each other.

I mean, unless you have activities like doing registration together or games that require everyone to interact, they would probably have very little chance of encountering each other 😊

I don’t know what circumstances led to their breakup, but I felt a bit disappointed as it seemed like my friends were only thinking about themselves 😢

Response 4 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

We also invited both of the mutually shared friends (the broken-up couple).

As a result, the girl on my side replied that she would not attend. I thought it would be regrettable to not invite them out of consideration, expressed my feelings, and left the decision up to them.

It was a bit lonely, wanting them to treasure the feeling of wanting to celebrate more than the feeling of not wanting to meet their ex 🤣

Response 5 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

Both the man and the woman are my friends, but there was a terrible breakup a few years ago which made it impossible to repair the situation.

(The female friend seemed to be particularly bothered, which made it even more complicated 😂)

Because of that, we chose to have a wedding ceremony overseas.

I invited the girl friend to the overseas ceremony, and the boy friend participated in the homecoming party after returning.

I explained everything to the girl friend, and we decided to skip the homecoming party.

Even though they want both of them to come, what about their feelings...? Since it’s a celebration, it’s not good to make anyone feel uncomfortable, and sometimes it’s important to accept that it might not be possible.

If one doesn’t want to come, it may be better to think about future relationships without being too tied to the wedding.

For the one asking this, it may be a tough decision, but time will resolve things.

Good luck!

Response 6 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

I don’t have experience, but... Don't both of them feel this way? They must have had some very unpleasant experiences.

Wanting them to come seems like the ego of the person consulting.

I understand the desire to celebrate, but I don't think a happy wedding can happen if it's solely based on the feelings of the couple.

Response 7 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

It depends on how many days there are until the wedding, but considering they just broke up,

their emotions might be volatile, so if you want them to attend, how about waiting for a response until the last minute?

In local weddings, there are situations where you have to meet people you don’t want to see, and

they might think, "Well, it’s okay after some time."

Response 8 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

I found myself in a similar situation.

They were dating within a club but ended up breaking up, and then the girl started dating someone else in the club…

I explained the situation to both of them and reached out, but the man asked to skip because having both would create an awkward atmosphere and wanted to celebrate separately.

(The girl attended with her new boyfriend)

In my case, I felt the man was being considerate, but if you want both of them to come, you might need to either seat them far apart or directly explain the situation and ask for their participation.

I hope you both end up with a good outcome...

Response 9 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

While it’s not exactly the same, I had a similar experience.

When I invited them, that couple was engaged (the boyfriend was a friend of the groom, and the girlfriend was a friend of the bride) and was set to register their marriage about a week before our wedding.

So I invited both of them as a couple, making the seating arrangements and name cards with their new last name, and asked them both to participate in a couples’ game as well.

Due to some circumstances, they canceled their registration and began to discuss breaking up...

Of course, changing names or seating arrangements a week before the wedding is difficult, so I was at a loss, but they both attended as a married couple and participated in the games with smiles, saying, "We can’t let you be inconvenienced because of our situation."

They may not have been in that mindset, but I’m still extremely grateful to them for celebrating with us.

I actually felt more remorse for being unable to be considerate regarding their feelings.

If your friends have such a situation that makes them not want to see each other, it might just end up making them feel uncomfortable during the entire wedding.

It’s very regrettable when it's such a special day for the bride.

I may not be in a position to say, but the couple is the one who has spent time, effort, and money for guests to attend.

Whether they attend or not should not be decided by us.

Rather than trying to force them, I think it’s better to respect the feelings of your friends.

Response 10 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

In that case, you should probably not invite either! If it’s been years since their breakup, it might be a different story...

Especially if you have been close friends.

The invited parties might only feel sad whether they attend or not...

Response 11 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

My situation is slightly different, but I did have a couple attend my wedding after they broke up.

Moreover, both were on the bride's side, haha.

Since it had been some time (about two years) since they broke up, they happily attended.

I also have the reverse scenario, where I have attended a wedding of an ex of mine.

If there is a genuine feeling of wanting to celebrate, then the presence or absence of the exes shouldn’t matter too much, in my opinion.

I would say that I would tell my friend that both of them are important to me and that I would like them to attend, and if they still don’t want to come, then I would probably accept that it’s their true feelings.

Response 12 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

A similar situation happened at a friend's wedding.

In the end, the bride's friend attended from the ceremony and the groom's friend from the afterparty.

Only the bride, groom, and I knew about the ex-couple's relationship, so there wasn’t any awkwardness, but for the two involved… 😓

It depends on the time until the wedding, but I think it might be okay to invite them. The decision to attend is ultimately up to the ex-couple, after all. 😊

Response 13 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

I had a similar experience at a friend's wedding!

About two months had passed since their breakup, but they surprisingly ended up at the same table — though they weren’t sitting next to each other; they were facing each other.

The girl made an extremely unpleasant face, and her attitude made the people around her feel very awkward.

I was seated next to the guy and while talking, he kept giving me annoyed looks; it made for an overall very uncomfortable wedding…

Response 14 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

I was in the same position of having broken up.

I hosted a mixer with my then-boyfriend, and a friend of mine hit it off with his junior colleague, and in the end, they decided to get married before us.

Shortly after, we broke up and got invited to their wedding.

I was very unhappy hearing that my ex would be there, but I didn’t see it as a choice between celebrating my friend and my dislike for seeing my ex, so I attended.

Thanks to the setup keeping our seating as far apart as possible, I didn’t see him often, and I only had a brief exchange with my ex, and it wasn’t a problem.

They must have made efforts to avoid having us meet as much as possible.

When I was invited, I wasn't forced to come, but

they said, "Our being able to meet is all thanks to you, so it’s meaningless without you being there.”

That really encouraged me to attend.

It might be good to put thought into the words you use when inviting them.

Response 15 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

I keep thinking they should just hold onto the desire to celebrate the newlyweds… 😢

Maybe arrange to keep the seats very far apart… or invite one of them to the afterparty? It's tough...

Response 16 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

A male friend of mine got married, and the girl he married had once dated one of his good friends.

Supposedly, they didn’t invite that friend to the wedding...

Sorry, this may not be relevant 💦💦

Response 17 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

I'm the bride who's having the wedding next week.

I just sent invitations to both under the assumption that they didn't know they had broken up.

I genuinely wanted both of them to celebrate as friends, regardless of that…

At first, the guy thought it would be difficult due to their breakup, but the girl reached out to the guy (her ex) directly, and they both agreed to come.

Now, I hear they go out together for drinks and... they’re also seated next to each other at the ceremony! I think it became a good opportunity, haha.

Response 18 to "I Want to Invite Both Ex-Couples to the Wedding"

I think that, considering the feelings of those attending, it would be good to have one of them who has been a friend for a longer time or is closer to you attend.

If you're having afterparties, perhaps one could attend the wedding, and the other could attend the afterparty.

I don’t know when the wedding is planned, but if it’s been recently after their breakup, they might still have lingering emotions,

so it might be good to take a little more time and ask them again on whether they really want to come.

If they still refuse, then it would be best to give up on having both attend.

It might be okay to invite them! Just leave it up to the guests.

If you have a "former couple" in the list of wanted guests post-breakup,

you might be worried...

Will it be awkward...?

Will it create a bad atmosphere...?

Will someone end up crying due to it being too painful...?

There are many concerns, but as the bride and groom inviting, thinking of "not inviting them to avoid making them feel awkward" can also create problems or awkwardness in itself.

It seems many people opt to "invite them if you want them to come without worrying about it."

The outcome, whether they attend or not, can be left for the guests to decide,

So the bride and groom should focus on sending out invitations! ♩