"Concern and Wry Smile: Can You Celebrate a Couple's Shotgun Wedding Amidst Their Constant Quarreling?"

2019.03.20 published

Couples who fight and complain often get pregnant, marry, and hold a wedding.

We received this concern at marry!

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We’ve ended up having a shotgun wedding.

I obviously have feelings for my fiancé, and I like him, but since we started dating, we have fought a lot, and I often complained to friends, saying, “He’s so annoying!”

So, I’m worried that if I suddenly say, “I’m pregnant, so we’re getting married,” or “We’re having a wedding, so come,” I might not be celebrated.

Do you think people will feel, “Why should I have to attend a wedding of two people who aren’t in love”?

Have you ever been invited to such a wedding? What do you think? Please let me know.

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Here are the responses we collected!

Response 1 (Guest's Reaction)

If you’re not in love, you shouldn’t get married.

100% failure.

Response 2 (Guest's Reaction)

I’ve attended weddings while thinking, “This couple doesn’t seem to be doing well.”

I felt no emotion at the wedding and honestly thought, “I shouldn’t have attended.” I felt like the gift money was a waste, too.

I think it’s better to have friends who genuinely celebrate you.

Also, I think it’s better to refrain from complaining about your husband to other friends after getting married.

I’m also married, but I only complain about my husband to one trusted friend. I try to talk about it positively with others.

Although I might have a strange pride wanting the people around me to think my husband and I are close rather than that we’re not,

I think it’s much easier living when people think we’re good together rather than having a bad reputation.

Response 3 (Guest's Reaction)

When a friend who was experiencing domestic violence from her boyfriend said she was getting married because she was pregnant, I was at a loss for words.

My friend seemed to be dependent on her boyfriend, and he appeared to be an elite with a high salary (he wasn’t a band member or a gambling enthusiast, which made it worse).

I could only say congratulations now that a baby is on the way, but seeing my friend with bruises from being abused made it unbearable.

I used to think domestic violence abusers didn’t hold weddings, but it seemed the groom’s family was well-off, and my friends held the wedding and participated, wishing them to be happy.

Response 4 (Guest's Reaction)

I’ve attended a similar wedding.

The wife was the type to publicly acknowledge her infidelity, and we were not really in a celebratory mood. 😭

Response 5 (Guest's Reaction)

There were constant fights with her husband, even after the marriage was decided, after registering for the marriage, and even up to just before the wedding. I was always hearing complaints about him, so my impression of him was terrible.

I asked the bride, “I only hear complaints about your husband; how am I supposed to face him at the wedding? 😂”

The bride replied, “Please come punch him,” which was a half-hearted laugh.

On the wedding day, the husband didn’t say, “Thank you for always being there,” or “I look forward to your continued support,” to us, the bride's friends, and that lack of consideration garnered resentment from other friends as well. 😂

Honestly speaking, hearing complaints about the husband creates a strong impression that he is a terrible person, so of course, that is how I’ll see him on the day.

If invited, of course, I will go because I like my friend.

However, the bride needs to convey this to the groom as well, and if the groom doesn’t show consideration and sincerity to those around him,

the friends who came to see the bride will say behind her back, “He’s just as bad as everyone says,” and “Why is she marrying a guy like that? Is it a compromise? A shotgun wedding is tough.” (My friends have been told this, in fact.)

If possible, wouldn’t you want friends to say, “Here’s a guy better than I’ve heard!” instead?

But that requires you to educate him.

I don't know if my response is suitable for this concern, but in conclusion, if invited, I will go to the wedding!!

However, if you want to have a good relationship with those who came and enjoy activities with them and your husband, please consider those around you!

Response 6 (Guest's Reaction)

I had a friend in a similar situation...

At that time, we had a discussion with mutual friends and decided to skip a wedding we couldn’t sincerely celebrate. We really couldn’t celebrate the marriage.💦

From the start, choosing him changed our relationships, and…

Since then, I have become distant from that friend and have not seen her since. 🙇‍♀️💦

Response 7 (Guest's Reaction)

At a wedding of a friend in a similar situation, although she was a good girl as a friend, she really ridiculed her boyfriend,

The happy slideshow and the heartfelt letter to him during the after-party seemed disingenuous, making the atmosphere half-smiling amongst the attendees.

Hearing her complain about him was constant, and some people expressed they wanted their time spent listening to her complaints back.

However, she is a good girl as a friend, so everyone was surprised by her sudden shotgun wedding but wished her well, and it’s becoming a topic of conversation.

Response 8 (Guest's Reaction)

Honestly, I’m against shotgun weddings.

I think congratulations but also ask, “Didn’t you think you should have used birth control?”

Response 9 (Guest's Reaction)

A friend was in this situation.

I was close with the bride and knew the groom, but I was on the warning side.

Since I had been hearing complaints from her since school days, I said since then, “You should definitely stop. You can’t be happy like that.”

Yet, it seems there were feelings of love because, upon becoming pregnant, they got married and ended up getting divorced. The bride later expressed regret, saying she wished she had listened to my advice.

She said she wouldn’t have a wedding since it was a shotgun marriage, but later I heard she thought, “Everyone wouldn’t want to celebrate anyway...”

On the wedding day, fearing it wouldn’t be celebratory, they seemed only to take pictures.

Response 10 (Guest's Reaction)

It probably depends on how close you are to the bride, but I wouldn’t think well of it.

I mean, they were fighting all along, and now they’re getting married because of an unexpected pregnancy? Is everything okay? I would think this way because it’s out of concern for that person.

If you’re worried like, “We might get divorced soon” or “Everyone might not celebrate,” perhaps you should just hold a wedding with only family?

Response 11 (Guest's Reaction)

I know someone who reluctantly married for the sake of the child.

She said she only married for the child's sake.

After giving birth, I genuinely thought she should stop wanting to hold a wedding.

I don’t want to be compared to those who got married out of love. I think my friend is taking the wedding lightly.

I can’t find the spirit to celebrate when it seems to be for their own sake, and once the child is born a virgin road is just ridiculous.

I’m filled with disgust when I see ads for weddings with children.

It’s just the same as saying, “We can’t control our birth,” which is a tremendous embarrassment.

I think if a wedding is deemed necessary, it should be done only with family.

Response 12 (Guest's Reaction)

If it’s a truly good friend, I’m more concerned about, “Are you okay? Will you do well?”

Whether to attend the wedding or not... it’s hard to say.

If I’m not particularly close and they get divorced soon after, I might think, “I want that money back!” or

“They’re having a wedding? Sounds like a waste of the gift money.”

Response 13 (Guest's Reaction)

One of my best friends was in that situation.

She briefly dated a guy who was practically a freeloader, and I honestly wanted her to break up with him sooner.

However, when she got pregnant, they got married. (The ceremony was just with family, and I wasn’t invited.)

Still, I wanted to express my congratulations because her happiness is paramount.

I have mixed feelings, but I wanted to attend. So I am in favor of inviting friends. 😊

Response 14 (Guest's Reaction)

I think it’s better to have a small event with only family overseas.

Response 15 (Guest's Reaction)

When it’s an important friend’s wedding, I’m happy about the marriage, but I’m also worried: “Will it be okay? Will she have a hard time? Will her husband support her?”

Especially with a shotgun wedding, there’s an image that the husband didn’t really want to marry but is feeling responsible.

Hearing complaints makes me worry more. Yet, on the wedding day, seeing the happy appearance of the two and the groom’s commitment reassured me.

As a result, that friend has been married for 10 years with three kids and they still get along!

I think it’s important to convey that marriage isn’t about “having to have a shotgun wedding” but rather that they want to marry for the happiness of both the couple and the baby in her belly!

Response 16 (Guest's Reaction)

I’m reminded of a friend who was in a hurry to marry and was dating multiple men she found through a matchmaking app, complaining about each of them.

Ultimately, she decided to marry the first guy who proposed, even though she didn’t particularly like him, said she wanted someone richer, and he looked weird.

I felt sorry for the groom because he was marrying someone who wasn’t in love with him.

Knowing the bride didn’t love her groom made all the ceremonial elements, like cake cutting and the vows, feel like a mere charade.

(The bride was happy she could wear a dress, though.)

All in all, I felt bad for the groom. I was confused as to why I would have to participate in this charade while acting happy.

After the wedding, the bride continued to complain about her husband, leaving me to wonder what that wedding day was even about.

Response 17 (Guest's Reaction)

If invited, I would attend the wedding.

However, I can't help but think, “You’re saying you’re annoyed, yet you’re doing what you need to do, plus it’s a shotgun wedding.”

It may be harsh, but that’s what naturally comes to mind for those who are used to hearing complaints.

Response 18 (Guest's Reaction)

I think it’s better to postpone the wedding if possible.

It might be fine to have the wedding later after giving birth and settling down. 😊

There are many preparations to do by then, and building a good couple relationship with family and friends in the meantime is important. 🤔

Marriage is also supported by many people around them. May the wedding be filled with smiles! 😊

Response 19 (Guest's Reaction)

I hope you can talk about his good points from now on.

I’ve actually told friends to break up because I heard complaints about their boyfriends, but when it came time for marriage and I heard good things about him,

I thought, “Wow, they’re happy!” and was filled with congratulatory feelings.

At the wedding, I was in tears from the joy and feeling of wishing them happiness.

Response 20 (Guest's Reaction)

Honestly, my first reaction is worry rather than celebration.

I think, “Will everything be okay?”

Therefore, if they show unparalleled happiness at the wedding, it can ease my worries, so I hope for a wedding full of happiness.

Response 21 (Guest's Reaction)

Although it isn’t a shotgun wedding, I attended the wedding of a senior who complained about her boyfriend all the time!!

I found it strange they ended up marrying despite everyone thinking they’d break up, but my congratulatory feelings didn’t change! ✨

More than that, I think it’s important to report pregnancy and marriage carefully. 😇

Response 22 (Guest's Reaction)

Ah, a shotgun wedding. I hesitate to drink in front of the bride. (laughs)

I don’t think many people think they aren’t in love just because there were complaints!

Everyone gets annoyed at someone they’ve been with for a long time. 😅(laughs)

Response 23 (Guest's Reaction)

There’s a saying that fighting means you’re close, so I thought they were meant for each other and attended.

Response 24 (Guest's Reaction)

Honestly, I think everyone has complaints! (laughs)

From an outside perspective, it seems like they’re still together and that they must really like each other.

On the contrary, when I heard they were getting married, I thought it was heartwarming that they were doing well. 😊

Response 25 (Guest's Reaction)

I believe there are many types of marriages, so even if they fight often, I think they still get along well enough, and weddings of such couples are celebratory occasions.

When children are involved, it feels even more celebratory.

Usually, it’s not common to have cynical thoughts about such matters.

Response 26 (Guest's Reaction)

I’ve attended a wedding of a couple who often complained about each other.

There's a saying that fighting means you’re close, so I thought that these two would be okay! I felt their honest expressions toward each other would help them overcome future hardships.

On the day, I joked, “If you argue and get tired of each other, just come stay at my place!” and we all laughed!

Response 27 (Guest's Reaction)

I think it’s pretty common.

If my friend made the decision, I’d like to celebrate it, and friends who think otherwise probably aren’t worth considering. Congratulations! (^○^)

Response (Guest's Reaction)

Congratulations!

I definitely think you will be celebrated! ☺️

Even if there are many fights, I just see it as a couple who can clash and express their opinions!

A wedding that can't be celebrated has deeper issues, and if you’re being advised to break up repeatedly during the relationship, that’s concerning. 😨💦

Response 28 (Guest's Reaction)

If you still like each other now, I don’t think it’s a problem. I’d be cheering you on saying, “Good luck as a couple from now on!” ^_^

Response 29 (From the bride)

I had a shotgun wedding as well. I was living together before that, and there were ups and downs.

I used to share those complaints with friends and talked about breaking up. I’ve always loved my husband dearly, just like the person asking the question.

I never thought about whether I would be accepted by friends, but from the position of someone who held a wedding, the feelings of love and being happy on the day are the best hospitality towards the guests.

I believe friends want you to be happy above all.

No matter what the outcome, happiness is key. Whether it’s a shotgun wedding or not, if the parties involved are happy, I believe friends will celebrate it!

Response 30 (Guest's Reaction)

I’m getting married to someone I’ve been with for four years. He’s a quirky younger guy, and I’ve said bad things about him, with everyone telling me to stop.

But here we are, dragging our relationship, and we hastily decided to marry!

Even so, I reported to everyone, and they said congratulations and congratulated me.

But I think they probably don’t genuinely feel that way (laughs)

I was a bit anxious telling everyone, but I don’t think anyone will refuse to celebrate you! Congratulations! ♡

Response 31 (Guest's Reaction)

I’m in a similar situation!

Since this marriage will be long-term, I realized I couldn’t go on like this and changed my way of thinking.

There are endless things I want to fix, but I started looking for my husband’s good traits.

When I find something good, I try to talk about it on social media or with friends.

With just a little over a month until the wedding, the impressions of my husband among my friends are slowly changing to a celebratory mood!

A marriage that deserves celebration ♡

Here are the responses to the question, "Can a couple who fights a lot suddenly have a shotgun wedding and still be celebrated?"

Thank you to everyone who contributed!

Since the definition of “fighting” varies from person to person, it’s hard to make a definitive statement,

but to me, the important thing is that it’s a joyous occasion for two people to marry peacefully, not that the wedding itself is something to celebrate...

I think making the wedding the goal can lead to misery for both the couple and those around them, which is why I oppose it.

Attending a joyous and happy wedding is, of course, a wonderful thing, but when I think about the definition of such a wedding, at first I thought, “The two who love each other getting married” but,

It seems there are also people who decide to marry without the typical love and want to spend a happy life with their partner, so in a diverse society, there could be many variations and forms of happiness.

Therefore, if we set “wedding” as an event where regardless of the background, it’s something to celebrate, I think that’s perfectly fine...

and that’s just my thought.

@haruno45