"Is it Okay to Encourage a Friend to Skip the Wedding After Falling Out, Even Though They Confirmed Attendance?"

2019.04.26 published

Is it okay to tell an invited guest, "I actually don’t want you to come"?

We received a consultation from a bride via marry. Here’s the situation.

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A friend whom I invited to my wedding and who replied to the invitation saying they would attend has suddenly started avoiding me.

I was surprised, since we had been close, and when I asked "Why are you avoiding me?", they replied that they want to keep their distance from now on.

(That friend is now dating my ex-boyfriend.)

I invited them because we had a good relationship until then, but it seems that we will become distant afterward.

Moreover, I have received a positive RSVP.

Even if they do come to the wedding as planned, it’s clear that things will be awkward, and if we will no longer have a relationship going forward, I really don't want them to attend. Is it okay to encourage them to decline their invitation?

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We asked our readers, "What would you do in such a situation?"

Here are the collected responses.

@jewel_flower_antique

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 1

I would ask why they want to keep their distance and then ask them to reconsider their attendance.

By putting the decision in their hands, I think it would alleviate the mental burden on the bride as well.

If you genuinely want to cut ties, then of course, you should decline the invitation.

If they do attend but seem to have a negative atmosphere at the wedding, it might be necessary to arrange seating with trusted friends to support the bride.

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 2

If they say they will come, I think they should just attend.

If they want to distance themselves after the wedding, so be it. They probably replied positively because they genuinely want to celebrate.

Rejecting someone who has said they will come would likely create more awkwardness. 😓

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 3

I too started being avoided by several friends I used to hang out with every week after I started dating my current husband.

We were a group with a common hobby, but everyone else is single, so they likely felt awkward around me, the only single person.

I clearly felt they were avoiding me, so I tried asking, but they dodged the question.

I hoped time would heal things and we could be friends again someday. I invited them to my wedding, and half of them came. They treated me normally, but we never got together again after that.

I still wonder if we could reconcile, but I can no longer take the initiative to reach out.

I regret not having tried to fix things before the rift grew. If you have hesitation, perhaps you could take this opportunity to talk again?

Since many guests will be present at the wedding, if there’s some awkwardness with one person, it might not be too noticeable!

Attending a wedding incurs costs for guests too, and if someone is willing to attend, it feels rude to encourage them to skip. 😢

Planning a wedding involves lots of worries, right? Maybe you could leave the decision of attendance to them and, after the ceremony, calmly ask about everything.

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 4

I've also experienced a similar case where someone became distant and told me they wanted to rethink our relationship.

Furthermore, I was confused when they refused to attend the reception but said they would attend the after-party.

Eventually, I told them, "It's fine if you don’t want to come to the after-party either."

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 5

I don't have experience, but if they say they want to distance themselves, I would say, "That's too bad, I guess that means you’ll be absent. 😔"

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 6

In that situation, I would confirm with them, "The other day, you mentioned wanting to keep your distance, so I want to confirm. You've replied that you will attend my wedding, but can you truly come on the day?"

I would do this in a setting with text or a third party present to leave some evidence.

While it’s frustrating, since it’s a joyous occasion, I think a gentle confirmation would be less confrontational than urging them to skip.

Even if you don’t want to maintain a relationship, if you share many mutual friends, it might be wise to proceed carefully.

A last-minute cancellation on the day would be the worst. The seating chart, favors, and meals cannot be canceled. You wouldn’t want to feel unsettled on such an expensive day, so it's better to confirm while you can.

Generally, it would be unpleasant to have someone who might speak ill of the bride attending... But still, people who would gossip at a celebration will surely raise eyebrows among other decent guests.

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 7

I think it’s okay to encourage them to skip.

I had a close friend who moved far away and I received their RSVP saying they would attend.

However, two weeks before the wedding, I fell ill and was hospitalized. I informed them that it was uncertain if the wedding would take place based on my doctor’s judgment.

They replied, "It would be a hassle for many people to attend your wedding. If it seems likely to be canceled, please tell me quickly because I have another priority." I was shocked and cried.

I didn’t want them to have to attend under such circumstances, so I consulted with my husband and family, and told my friend if it would inconvenience others, please prioritize your other commitment.

For some reason, they got upset, but in the end, they decided not to come, and we haven’t connected since.

I’ve heard that weddings can lead to complicated friendships, and I truly felt that.

They were a close friend, and I still carry that weight, but I don’t regret their absence, as I didn’t want someone who couldn’t support me at my wedding.

It's better to have a ceremony with only those who will genuinely celebrate with you!

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 8

That’s perfectly fine!!!

Please consider your own wedding day! If they were to cancel last minute, you would regret it! They should decline their invitation!

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 9

I would probably have a heart-to-heart conversation with them.

"I wanted you to come because we had a good relationship, so I sent you an invitation.

But I was saddened to hear you want to keep your distance. However, I understand you have your reasons, so I will accept that!

Thanks for letting me know. As you’re feeling this way, it would be better if you don’t come to the wedding!"

I would emphasize that it’s not beneficial for either of us.

I know it’s hard to say directly, but it’s such an important day in life!!! I hope it goes well!

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 10

The guest submitted their attendance, and they might change their mind once they're there. So, I wouldn't prompt them to skip.

That feels a bit rude...

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 11

There may be entirely different reasons behind their actions.

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 12

I would want to know the reason for their sudden desire to keep a distance.

And then I’d ask if it means they might not be able to come to the wedding? Haha.

I think the most straightforward way is to hear it directly from them!

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 13

If someone said they want to distance themselves, I don’t think there’s any need to invite them. They’re not a friend at that point.

In my case, I invited a friend I used to be close with, and they attended, but we had a falling out before the wedding, and that made us distant.

Honestly, I regret inviting them. It’s better to clarify such feelings early on for peace of mind later.

Weddings are said to be a way of sorting friendships.

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 14

If they’re avoiding me, they might just cancel last minute...

If I have no intention of being involved in the future, I think it’s okay to decline! In fact, I would! 😂

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 15

Since you would lose money if they canceled on the day, I think it would be better to gently encourage them to skip. 😥

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 16

Ah, if someone says that, they shouldn't come! Good! (Laughs)

If they want to keep their distance, they don’t have to force themselves to attend. 🙆‍♀️ I’ll mark them as absent! Thank you for the heads-up ❤️ I might just cut ties from here on! 😇 Haha.

It would be burdensome for me if they came in such a delicate situation! Laughs.

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 17

I often see phrases like "weddings and ceremonies are a chance to detach relationships" on Instagram, but don’t you think that’s a bit too self-affirming?

A wedding is ultimately a personal life event; for others, it’s just an ordinary day.

When guests make an effort to attend, it’s essential to be grateful for their time and money.

Even if something trivial doesn’t sit well with you, it shouldn't lead to "cutting ties immediately!"

Such a perspective seems a bit self-centered; a wedding is just a milestone in life.

If you take this stance, it’s likely that the other person has their own circumstances, so it would be better to discuss things and address any issues.

When you become estranged from an invited guest to your wedding 18

It might not be a similar situation, but I have had experiences where I understand their feelings.

While weddings are joyful occasions, it’s unfortunate that some people can’t genuinely express their happiness.

A wedding is a space not just for those you’ve been close to, but also for those you hope to connect with moving forward.

If the other person doesn’t want to maintain a relationship, their attendance with a positive RSVP feels odd... I also question them dating my ex.

If something disturbs the celebration on that day, and this friend makes it so that I can’t enjoy the celebration, that would make not just the bride and groom but both families who have deep hopes for the couple saddened.

Since it sounds like your friend wants some distance, a gentle way to decline could be, "It's okay; weddings also incur costs, so maybe it’s better to skip? I really appreciate the sentiment behind your RSVP, though. Thank you."