"Do You Give Mother's Day Gifts Even to a Mother-in-Law You Dislike? [Insights from 23 Responses]"

2020.05.05 published

A Bride's Question＊

We introduce concerns received at marry.

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Mother's Day is just around the corner.

I'm not fond of my husband's mother. My husband seems to want to cherish her (which is, well, a given...) and apparently sends her flowers every year without fail.

When sending flowers, I can't just ignore it, and I have to write a comment on the message card, but I don't know what to say to my mother-in-law, whom I don't like.

In the first place, every family visit is painful, and I have nothing to talk about.

Everyone, do you give Mother's Day presents to your difficult mother-in-law? What do you write in the letter? How do you communicate via phone or LINE?

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After conducting a survey, the ratio of those who like their mother-in-law to those who dislike her is exactly one-third, or 33%.

One in three people feels "difficult" or "maybe dislike" towards their husband's mother... It seems to be a common source of stress.

In such cases, how does everyone respond to Mother's Day?? Here are the gathered responses.

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 1

I dislike my mother-in-law too.

However, if I take care to do well during events, when something is brought up, I can say, "I really value you as a mother," so even though I'm not fond of her, I always prepare and give presents for her birthday and Mother's Day!

If I'm going to feel awkward because she thinks "the daughter-in-law doesn't care," I'd rather solve it with money, LOL.

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 2

I've decided to give the same present to both mothers on Mother's Day every year!

Once I make that decision, I won't have to worry every year... Instead of a message, I always hand it over with a simple thank you!

For the gift, I purchase seasonal items like a box of jelly from a delicious cake shop!

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 3

I'm not fond of my husband's mother either!!!

I think a standard message on the card is fine! Something like "Thank you for everything!" I don't know what kind of relationship it is.

You could say something neutral like "Please take care of yourself as it’s getting hot!" LOL

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 4

I also find my in-laws very difficult!

In fact, during the face-to-face meeting before we got married, I heard jokes that were not funny and comments that sounded like sarcasm, and I even thought about not getting married (laughs).

Therefore, since I don't really want to go to my in-laws' home, I make sure to send gifts (laughs). When I return to my in-laws' house, I hear jokes that just sound sarcastic, and it really bothers me.

So, for Mother's Day, I tolerate and send gifts. I buy delicious sweets from department stores and just mail them with a short letter (laughs).

As for the content of the letter,

"It has become warm; how have you been? Thank you for always thinking of me. Although it’s just a small gesture, I'm sending you some sweets for Mother's Day. Please take care of yourself as there are temperature differences between morning and noon."

That’s about the length I send 😳

If you've been sharing vegetables or food regularly, it might be good to also express gratitude for that 😳😳

Even though I find my mother-in-law difficult, she is the one who gave birth to and raised my beloved husband, so as a matter of courtesy, I send gifts and letters at important times.

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 5

In our case, it’s the opposite; my husband dislikes his biological mother. I also don’t really like my own mother.

But since there’s only one mother in this world for me, I’ve expressed to my husband that he should reach out to her sometimes, and since I’m currently pregnant, I inform him about check-up reports.

Honestly, I’d prefer not to get involved, but I still send carnations and visit her on Mother's Day.

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 6

Since before marriage, my mother-in-law has begged my husband for money, and when I gift something, it’s only judged by the amount, so I haven’t celebrated anything at all.

I don’t think my husband does anything either. Each of us is responsible for preparing celebrations for our parents. If nothing particular came up, I’d probably write a neutral message☆

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 7

I think it’s fine to just write something simple like “Thank you for always being there" on the message card!

I don’t think you need to prepare a gift or make appearances (like a phone call) on your part~! To avoid future annoying situations, I think it’s better to do little things for peace 🙆‍♀️

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 8

After saying some terrible things to me post-partum, I also find it hard to meet my mother-in-law, and I’d rather not see her often.

However, it remains true that without your mother-in-law, your husband wouldn’t exist; she is a very significant person.

The questioner may not have children yet, but once you have a child, interactions between families, including in-laws, become unavoidable.

Your husband will maintain his relationship with his mother for life.

For that reason, even if you dislike her internally, I think it’s beneficial to maintain a good relationship for your own sake.

It’s essential to make sure you don’t skip the basics, like sending something on Mother’s Day or greeting at the end of the year, as it could affect your image negatively.

(If your husband has siblings) there might be comments, “The daughter-in-law from over there didn’t send anything this year” or “Since the son got married, he doesn’t send flowers anymore, it’s probably the daughter-in-law's fault...” being said behind your back…

If you decide to write a message, I think it’s fine to stick to something ordinary like, “Thank you for always being there. Please take care of your health going forward.”

Even if it’s surface-level niceties, if it can help you get by, that’s enough. I still can’t seem to love her, but I’m doing my best not to be disliked when we meet. It’s for my own sake.

Mothers tend to love their sons, so if the flowers she previously received started to cease after marriage, it wouldn't be surprising if she thought, "Maybe the daughter-in-law said it's fine not to give anymore," or “The son has changed since he got together with that girl.” 😂

Instead of questioning a precious son, it’s natural for them to think negatively of their daughter-in-law...

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 9

"Please take care of yourself" could be a good option! 😄

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 10

I completely understand that your husband wants to cherish his mother, and you should continue to do so.

However, I think it’s different to impose that on the wife too. Honestly speaking, even if it’s a mother-in-law, she’s still a stranger, right?

Forcing you to "You should care about my parents too! Write a message card!" is an ego from your husband.

Why not suggest that while you express gratitude to your own mother, from this year on, let’s do it separately for each other?

I don’t think there needs to be so much patience just because you’ve become a daughter-in-law! ^^

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 11

It’s really painful to think of someone as difficult (。>д<) I understand because I also find my father-in-law difficult.

Moreover, there are almost no shared episodes with my mother-in-law, so it’s difficult to figure out what to write.

I typically write thank-yous for rice or vegetables that I receive, and for my mother-in-law who has knee issues, I write messages of concern.

I think it’s okay to keep it simple and casual!

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 12

Perhaps we just have to endure...

Isn’t a message like “Please take care of your health” enough? Visiting is indeed painful when thinking of a difficult mother-in-law, but if you married knowing your husband’s mother exists, then you should put up with it.

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 13

This year, I'm celebrating my first Mother's Day after getting married.

My husband seems to give some sort of present every year, so I think I’ll just leave it be and not give anything myself this time.

I think it's fine for each of us to give presents to our own mothers!

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 14

I gift something on Mother's Day every year. I don’t include a message card. I only send a Mother's Day gift.

I send the same thing equally to my own mother as well. Neither gets a message card.

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 15

I also don’t really like my in-laws. 😅

On Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays, Valentine’s Day, and other occasions while traveling, I used to give them gifts during my first year of marriage, but there was no thanks or reciprocation, and my birthday was completely overlooked 🤣

I felt so sad about that, but I thought, "I don't have to give gifts for every occasion!" and became resigned (laughs), so now I only give for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day!

For those two gifts, I consider what I want to give my own parents while my husband thinks about what he wants to give to his own parents, and each of us prepares gifts. My husband agreed to my proposal 💡

However, it's important to be careful about how to present the proposal! I don’t state my honest reasons!! For the message, I think it’s fine to stick to something standard like “Thank you for everything!”

Even if it’s not heartfelt, it might be better to at least say it on the surface... 🤔

My husband also absolutely adores his mother (laughs). His mother dotes on him, being her eldest son ^^;

Therefore, I think my husband would be happier choosing and sending the present than I would. By the way, on Mother’s Day, I won’t do LINE or calls to my mother-in-law either! I believe that just handing over the gift is sufficient (laughs).

If I get a thank-you call or LINE, saying "Thank you for always being there" would be fine! It’s a challenging issue, but this is how I cope 🙌

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 16

"Thank you for always looking out for my husband and me. It’s getting hot, so please be careful about your health. I hope we can do something together during this year's visit. I look forward to continuing our relationship."

I thought even such a generic message would be fine!

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 17

I don’t send anything to my mother-in-law for Mother’s Day ☺️

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 18

I think it’s okay to just skip it. I’m not someone who habitually gives gifts on Mother’s Day or birthdays, but when I do, I wrote a message with my husband’s name.

My husband’s family is kind of frugal and often emphasizes saving, so presents don't get appreciated too much, and they just say to save more, so this year, we decided not to even send a joint gift.

I will only send to my biological mother, and my husband said he would send something nice if he could. If it becomes stressful, it’s also okay to skip the message.

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 19

A simple message like "Please take care of your health" would be sufficient for my difficult mother-in-law!!

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 20

I haven't done anything for Mother’s Day for my mother-in-law. I don’t celebrate birthdays or anniversaries for in-laws.

Once you start, you have to continue indefinitely. My husband seems to send flowers, so I let him send them as "from us."

How about having your husband write the message card and putting both names on it?

By the way, since I don’t do anything for events, I've communicated through my husband to my in-laws that I don't want anything for my birthday either. This level of relationship is less burdensome.

In the first place, our family culture has never included celebrations or events, just “Congratulations!” so I don’t really have the sense of giving presents for such occasions... I grew up in a dry family, but it’s not that we are on bad terms 🙆‍♀️🥺

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 21

Wouldn’t it be good to co-sign a message with your husband?

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 22

I haven’t sent anything since a conflict began. Ultimately, a mother-in-law is still a stranger.

No matter how deeply we care, to her, I am just somebody, while her son is always number one.

Therefore, I think it’s enough to choose neutral words and maintain a moderate distance while having a superficial relationship.

Should You Send a Gift on Mother's Day to a Difficult/Disliked Mother-in-Law? 23

In the first place, do mother-in-laws even want a Mother's Day present from their daughters-in-law?

My mother-in-law loves her son (my husband) dearly, and my husband seems to send her flowers every Mother's Day, but if I add my name onto it, I fear it might trigger competition, thinking “I've lost my son to her.”

If your husband has a history of sending flowers on Mother's Day, I think it’s best to avoid signing together, and just skip sending anything as it might be the easiest way to keep the peace.

Especially if the relationship is already strained.

Mother-in-law....!!!!!

Here are the collected responses.

It's commonly heard that relationships with mothers-in-law are either unamicable or "difficult."

It would be great if we could find a way to be as amicable as possible while being conscious of not appearing unpleasant and also avoid accumulating our own stress....!!