Reflecting on Hurtful Words: Unconscious Language That Wounds Others

2020.10.22 published

Everyone has a bit too much to say...??

Recently, I had a lively discussion with a friend about how we dislike being told, "You look young!" when we're together.

Both my friend and I are in our 30s, but when we reveal our age, we often hear, "You look young!" However, isn’t that incredibly rude from the get-go?!

That's the topic at hand.

Saying, "You look young (i.e., you don't look your age)" only serves to deny my current state of being 33.

The imposition of youth as an absolute value is baffling.

Is it wrong for a 33-year-old to look like a 33-year-old?

There are various emotions that stir within someone who is being told such things, but the key point of this issue is that, "While those words may indeed be perceived as lacking delicacy, those who utter them probably don't think much of it."

The person who uttered those words likely said, "What beautiful weather we have today!" on par with, "You look young!"

They assumed that by saying such things, communication would flow smoothly, (Great, I just complimented this person! I've done something good for them!) and so forth. It's a phrase that was unconsciously, yet positively expressed, without any deep meaning.

But!

Such "unconscious clichés" can hurt the recipient...

People finding themselves at the timing of engagement, marriage registration, or wedding probably have memories to reflect on regarding this.

For example.

"Well! With this, you've found happiness as a woman!"

(➡ I've been plenty happy up to now! Marriage isn't the only path to happiness!) or.

"Make sure not to let your husband go hungry!"

(➡ That idea is outdated, and my husband is actually a chef!).

Doesn't this resonate with you?

@a_uink

Learn from observing others.

In this article,

☑ Things I've been told in the past

☑ Discussions with friends about our discomfort with certain topics

☑ Common clichés of compliments that feel off in society

and more,

I’ve summarized some phrases like, “Though those who say them have no malice, how the recipient interprets them can be unknown and may lead to discomfort.”

Read with the understanding that there are people who perceive things this way.

① "You look beautiful today."

The "today" in "You look beautiful today" raises concern. Wait, does that mean I didn't look beautiful yesterday?!

I think saying, "You look particularly beautiful today" would be better.

② "You look young."

This is an outdated cliché of a compliment that has been worn out.

I don't want to look young, and I'm not interested in tricks to appear younger.

③ "You don't look like a mom."

I genuinely don't understand why not looking like a mom is seen as a virtue.

Moreover, if I were someone who always wanted to be a mom, hearing "You don’t look like a mom," would make me think, “So I really can’t be a mom…. I don’t look like one....!” and I would probably cry.

④ "You look slim."

"Wait?! You mean I only look slim?! What about reality?!" can come off as a backhanded compliment.

Saying, "You've lost weight," sounds better. (The beauty standard of being thin should be changing too….);

⑤ "This is the best time of your life."

When you’re newly married or when your kids are small, you often hear this.

Wait?! Is that to imply things will decline from here?! Who decided that value?

⑥ "Don’t let her wear the pants!"

This. I feel like I hear this at least once from hosts or bosses during wedding ceremonies.

Whether "wearing the pants" refers to the wife or the husband, it projects a power dynamic, leading to a negative impression...

I believe a husband and wife should have an equal relationship, and for those who prefer to be a "submissive wife," this is the worst thing to hear.

⑦ "Being single is nice and free!"

This is a common phrase used by married people to single friends or colleagues, often leading to disputes.

Being single has its pros and cons, so such a blanket statement is too big.

⑧ "Marriage is a graveyard."

This is a phrase often uttered by superiors.

As we grow older, let’s be careful not to say such things ourselves.

⑨ "You finally made it to this side!"

When you turn 30.

When you have a child.

When you get married.

You often hear something like, “Finally, you’ve come to this side, huh?!"

The recipient might think, “Wait! Have we had such a deep chasm between us until now?!”

⑩ "I’m so glad you got married."

"Got married" and "I’m glad" both contain two problematic phrases in this short sentence.

Marriage isn't about "being able to" or "not being able to," it's a choice to do it or not, and saying "I’m glad" comes across as condescending.

⑪ "Glad you were picked up!"

Wait, was I discarded? Was I trash?

Aren’t there any feelings of "I want to make my partner happy" or "I want to be happy together?"

⑫ "Don't you want to get married?"

Even if I wanted to get married, it comes off as “That’s none of your business”...

Be mindful not to hurt others unconsciously.

I’ve listed some "standard phrases" that may not have malice behind them, but can still hurt the recipient based on how they interpret them.

Since I could think of so many in just a moment (about a minute), there must be countless anecdotes like “I hated being told that! It’s just a common phrase!” from others.

When it comes from someone else, (they likely don’t intend to be hurtful), you can brush it off without harboring resentment.

However, I want to be firmly aware while speaking to avoid doing to anyone else what I've found hurtful.

@atelierdefleurir