"Critical Years 2 to 3: Four Common Points of Conflict for Couples After Getting Married"

2024.03.19 published

Whatever You Do Is Fun: A Happy Newlywed Life ♡

Starting a newlywed life together after marriage.

Realizing that we can say "I'm off" and "I'm home" to each other every day from now on makes me feel deeply happy again ♡

It's fun to choose furniture and dishes together, and on holidays, we can sleep in and enjoy a late breakfast together. Being able to do couple-like things is enjoyable, isn't it?

It seems that many couples enjoy a sweet and happy life, commonly referred to as "honeymoon," during the early stages of marriage ♡

But…

What about couples in their second or third year of marriage, once that "honeymoon" phase has ended?

Friends who married before me still seem to showcase a happy couple life on Facebook and Instagram...

The Real Conflicts of Couples Married for 2 to 3 Years.

As events related to the wedding and honeymoon settle down, life together becomes more routine during the second or third year of marriage.

During this time, many couples seem to harbor thoughts of "not a big deal, but somehow there's a lingering unease."

The phrase "difference in values" often comes up as a reason for divorce.

You might wonder if couples, having been together for years or even decades, suddenly realize their values differ now, but

the values referred to here are not large concepts like "views on life" or "family views."

Rather, it's about small differences like "maybe we see things differently" or "I feel uneasy for some reason" building up and eventually reaching a breaking point…

It seems that many relationships end due to these small misalignments in values.

@haruno45

Many couples in their second or third year of marriage still do not have kids.

I have compiled some common little uneasiness that real couples face.

Issues filled with everyday life that are not visible in sparkling social media.

If you think your current newlywed phase is too lovely to imagine such things, it might still be worth a read.

Couple Life Unease ① Differences in Hygiene Sensitivity

Commonly cited as a challenging household chore are "dishwashing" and "cleaning the water areas."

While you might be concerned about it, you're not inclined to do it, which often becomes a source of conflict for couples.

One cannot ignore the "difference in hygiene sensitivity" as you navigate married life over the years.

For example,

☑ Do you want to wash bath towels every day?

☑ Do dirty dishes in the kitchen sink bother you?

☑ Do you clean the drain in the sink daily?

☑ How often do you clean the toilet?

If both partners share the same sense, there’s no problem, but having differing views can lead to stress for one partner.

Conflicts particularly arise in the pattern where "one partner doesn’t care at all" or "they care but won't do it."

Even when told, "It's fine, I don’t care, just leave it," that uneasiness can build when you do care.

Even when asking them to help sometimes, if they say, "I don’t mind,” you can’t argue back. This results in one person constantly handling the chores.

Additionally, some couples argue as one partner, who is more sensitive to the state of cleanliness and clutter, imposes chores as "the wife’s job" causing disputes.

@haruno45

I once heard from a senior about a divorce reason being "we fought over whether to wash towels daily."

At the time, I thought, "Over something like that!?" but now I can imagine how built-up discontent led to the explosive conclusion of divorce...

Living by fully adapting to the pace of a partner creates slowly accumulating stress over time.

It’s not uncommon that little chores, easily dismissed during the newlywed phase as "well, that’s fine," become unbearable after several years of accumulation.

Couple Life Unease ② How to Spend Holidays

It's likely that very few couples say, "Every weekend, we absolutely must be together!" from their dating days.

Many probably maintain some alone time or time with friends while dating.

However, after getting married, how weekends are spent divides into,

"I want to be with my partner" and,

"I want to continue living as I did until we have kids."

Complaints often arise when one partner schedules hobby plans or friends’ outings every weekend, leading to unease.

The "want to continue as before" faction feels they want to enjoy their time freely since there are no special plans for the couple.

The "I want to be with my partner" faction believes it's normal to be together even without plans because you're family.

If years have passed without finding a compromise, one partner seems to accumulate dissatisfaction.

Couple Life Unease ③ Frequency of Dining Out and Dates

During the dating and early marriage phases, couples often enjoyed dining out, movies, shopping… in other words, “dates.”

However, after a few years of marriage, it seems less common for couples to dress up and go out together every weekend.

Celebrations for anniversaries also tend to become less of a priority over the years.

(It would be fine if both mutually agree and can laugh it off as "we forgot" or "that's how it is...")

@haruno45

The frequency of dining out decreases, and many couples revert to home cooking both on weekdays and weekends.

You might feel hurt by the stark contrast from your dating or newlywed days when you would go to nice restaurants even for no particular occasion...

Reviving the habits of dining out or celebrating anniversaries requires energy.

If you still want to occasionally spend time like lovers even after years, it's essential to communicate this to your partner.

Couple Life Unease ④ Timing for Having Children

One of the more serious sources of unease is the timing for starting a family.

If you had a firm decision before marriage that “I absolutely want to have a child by a certain age!” it might not be an issue.

However, for couples who entered marriage with a vague agreement of “we'd like to have one eventually,” providing “eventually” leads to differences in thinking that cause unease in the second or third years of marriage.

Since babies are a blessing, they won’t necessarily arrive immediately when you want them.

It is not uncommon for it to take years from thinking it would be nice to have a child to actually conceiving. During this time, discussions about fertility treatments or adoption may arise.

Due to the unpredictability, many couples struggle with when to begin what is often dubbed “trying to conceive.”

Both Big and Small Values Matter

I introduced four common areas of unease that couples married for 2 to 3 years may encounter.

These discrepancies in small values arise as couples build their married life.

When you first think, "Hmm?" about something, addressing it rather than pretending it doesn’t exist may be the secret to a harmonious marriage.

By overcoming small hurdles one by one, let's strive to have a joyful couple life every day, even beyond the newlywed phase.

➡ A complete list of articles for a loving married life

Are You Able to Discuss Finances?

It's been 2 to 3 years since marriage, and you’re getting used to your new life.

Many people might feel, “We initially discussed money matters and made decisions, but things have changed with the environment (like increased overtime, promotions, changing jobs, buying a house, pregnancy, childbirth...!) and want to discuss things again.”

If you're thinking this way, it’s recommended to talk not just with each other but to involve a financial planner.

There are things that may be hard to discuss or unclear when it’s just the two of you, but with a financial planner, you can more realistically plan your future life together.

➡ You can consult financial planners on these matters!

Among them, Takahashi, a former wedding planner at Takami Bridal, knows the financial circumstances of newlywed couples better than anyone.

You can consult with them for free via LINE or Zoom, so please reach out!

➡ [LINE] Get in touch with financial planner Takahashi