"Invited to a Destination Wedding by a Close Friend: Is It Okay to Decline If Attending Would Be Difficult?"

2019.06.20 published

I have feelings of congratulations, but I can't make it to Hawaii.

Introducing a consultation received by marry.

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I have been invited by my close friend to an overseas wedding. I want to decline. What should I do??

I haven't been told anything about transportation expenses yet.

Since we are close friends, I truly think that their marriage is very joyous, and I have a lot of feelings of congratulations, but that being said, going to Hawaii is honestly tough for me.

I will have to take at least four days off work, and the transportation costs, accommodation costs, and expenses incurred during my stay in Hawaii will all be added to my normal living expenses, which is difficult for me.

(I do not want my close friend to bear that burden.)

I am happy to have been invited to the wedding, and I truly think marriage is a joyous occasion. However, participating in a wedding in Hawaii is just too much of a burden.

I want to decline, but since we are close, it is hard to turn them down. Has anyone else felt a similar dilemma? How did you decline? Did you go without declining?

I would like to hear the opinions of the bride as well.

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Here are the collected responses!

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 1】

I personally have never declined an invitation, but I have experienced being declined. I had a wedding on a weekday, so there were two friends who couldn't come because they couldn't take time off work.

I felt it was understandable that a few people would decline once we decided on a weekday, so I wasn't particularly shocked by it 🤔. Rather, I felt sorry for them for the weekday schedule.

How about inviting them to dinner to celebrate instead of going to Hawaii? ☺️

If I bring up the money issue, the bride might offer to cover transportation or hotel costs, so I think it's okay to simply say, "I don't think I can make it because I can't take time off work" 😅.

I think the bride is aware that some people may decline when she decided to hold a wedding abroad. 🤔

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 2】

Is that really your close friend?

If they were a true friend, you would go without hesitation, no matter what.

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 3】

I had an overseas wedding myself. It's completely fine to explain your situation honestly and decline.

There were friends who couldn't come to mine too. It was honestly disappointing, and I felt a bit entitled to expect them to come, so I had some sad memories...

But everyone has their own circumstances, so it's inevitable. There will be many unexpected things and things that don’t go as planned in the future, and I believe that experiencing those things together initially is what a wedding is about.

Every bride goes through the experience of guests declining, so it's not something special. I think you might feel anxious, but trust your close friend and try to communicate!

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 4】

I am a bride-to-be inviting friends from Canada to Japan, and even before sending the invitations, some of them had already said, "Hmm, honestly, it's tough. It's really dependent on money."

However, I don't mind if they decline. I want to convey that they are one of the people I absolutely want at my wedding! I'd love to celebrate together! I understand that financial difficulties are a reality, and I think it's mutual, so I believe it's okay if they can't make it.

Instead of attending, you could provide a personal gift or celebrate before or after the ceremony, or you could have a video played during your Hawaiian wedding or arrange some sort of surprise. 😊 I hope this helps!

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 5】

I haven't experienced this, but if it's a close friend, I think it's okay to talk honestly about it.

I believe they are aware that inviting guests to a wedding abroad generally involves much larger burdens than a domestic wedding.

If you explain your reasons and say you'd like to celebrate after returning home, I don't think they'll feel bad about it!

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 6】

I am a bride-to-be planning a wedding in Hawaii. Like the questioner, I don’t want to confuse the guests, so I plan to have only family present.

If work is the main reason, I think you can honestly say, "I'm sorry, but I can't take that much time off from work, so attending is difficult."

If the main issue is transportation expenses, I think you can say, "My budget is tight, so if you have a domestic reception planned, let me know!"

In any case, what's important is how you decline. You've been close friends for a long time, right? If you convey it properly, they'll understand.

Even for domestic weddings, it’s common to give a gift when you can’t attend. So please make an effort to give an amount close to what you would give for a domestic wedding.

I think you understand, but the worst way to respond is to say, "It's too expensive and I can't take the time."

The couple is spending nearly 2 million yen even on a budget wedding, and for a wedding in Hawaii, they might spend around a year planning.

They are putting in that much effort and money to host the event, so if they get turned down that way, you can imagine what they would feel.

(When I told an unmarried friend that the cost for a domestic reception is 18,000 yen, they said that was too high! I felt deeply hurt as it seemed like they didn't want to contribute to our celebration at all.)

If you express that you appreciate the invitation, are happy about it, and wish them well, giving your best in return will leave your friend feeling good about it! 😊

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 7】

I have participated without being able to decline.

We are on good terms, but going all the way to Hawaii was quite a burden for me.

However, I couldn’t bring myself to say, "It's a burden, so I can't go..."

My friend casually invited me with the tone of, "Come as a trip too~~♡," which annoyed me a bit (it’s going to be entirely about the wedding, right?). But I couldn't say anything.

I'm not upset about it or anything, but I still feel a little uneasy recalling that it's over a year ago, while I'm on good terms with my friend.

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 8】

How about discussing this honestly if they are a close friend? If that creates distance, then I guess that’s just the nature of your relationship…

Going to Hawaii as a friend is tough, especially as a group of friends. 💦 The transportation costs alone can be quite a burden for me...

Is it possible to confirm if they have a domestic 1.5 reception planned?

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 9】

I had my wedding in Hawaii!

I had planned to go to Hawaii with my close friends, and I discussed this many years ago, so when I decided to have my wedding there, my friends expressed their desire to come.

They were able to come due to their work schedules, and I was really happy about it! *^◯^*

However, if the conversation had not led that way, I would have conveyed, "I would be happy if you could come if possible," while being considerate of their work and financial situations when inviting them.

As a former bride, I totally understand how the questioner feels, and I think the bride should also be considerate of their friend’s circumstances and invite them with the spirit that she’d be happy if they could come, but it’s okay if they can’t.

I hope the questioner can kindly communicate their feelings to the bride.

By the way, in my case, I didn’t provide transportation expenses but gifted a dress and bouquet I chose together and communicated that they didn’t need to give a monetary gift.

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 10】

I think it's best to explain the situation and decline the invitation to participate in the Hawaiian wedding. It would be good to celebrate in a different way later.

However, if it were me, since Hawaii is not a place I can visit often, I would consider borrowing money from my parents and taking time off work to go there as a trip!

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 11】

I couldn't take time off due to work, but I did participate in a same-day trip to a friend’s wedding in Guam.

The reason was that I wanted to see my friend’s wedding in person after everything they went through. Honestly, flights were expensive, which made it a significant expense, but I wanted to go regardless.

Just saying, "Close friend" and "Hawaii is tough" can come off as confusing. If you indeed see them as a close friend, I think it’s best to communicate your feelings honestly, and if you want to celebrate, then perhaps find another way to do so.

By the way, my close friend said, "Thank you for coming! You're my number one!"

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 12】

Recently, I had my wedding locally!

I completely understand the painful feeling of having to decline.. But, I think you can definitely decline!

My perspective might be a bit extreme, but I believe overseas weddings are primarily for the bride and groom. Or, even if invited, it’s mainly for family.

I always admired the idea of having an overseas wedding, but I ultimately wanted to convey my gratitude to friends and family through a local wedding, which is why I decided to proceed with that.

Everyone has different situations, so it's not easy for everyone to travel abroad. Even for close friends' weddings, that's the case.

If you want to communicate that you genuinely want to celebrate, it might be helpful to ask, "Are you planning to have a domestic reception or a second party later?"

I hope your close friend has a happy wedding and that you both can maintain your unchanged relationship.

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 13】

Since congratulations are about intentions, I think it's okay to convey your thoughts honestly.

At my own wedding, I had a friend who, due to various circumstances, was financially strained but still wanted to celebrate, asking to join just for the second party.

I told them that gifts weren't necessary and to allow me to celebrate in the second party instead. But I didn't feel bad about this at all!

If they're vague about their reason, it might be taken negatively, so I think it’s best to communicate the financial strains or absence from work honestly.

Just make sure to express your desire to celebrate, and you can convey those feelings in another way.

However, thinking about it from the bride's perspective, it would mean a lot to provide a generous gift if invited.

If they are a true friend, such situations won't cause any unease! Trust your friendship!

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 14】

Attending a wedding overseas can be tough.

If you can't spend time with the other friends and are going alone, it's like a solitary trip!

It's unusual for someone to take a solo trip to a resort, and it doesn’t sound very fun...

If I were to travel, I’d rather go with people I like, at a time I enjoy, to my chosen place. So I hope those inviting for a resort wedding would refrain from thinking along the lines of “You can come to Hawaii, so it’s fine!”

I want them to understand that my motive isn’t to visit Hawaii but to purely celebrate their marriage.

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 15】

I think it's good to say that you can't take time off work and ask to celebrate afterward!

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 16】

I've also been invited to an overseas wedding, but due to my job, it's difficult to take time off on weekdays, so I honestly conveyed that and declined.

Instead, I made a video with a friend who couldn’t attend and celebrated in another form!

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 17】

I attended my best friend's wedding in Hawaii.

It was my first year in a job, and it was honestly hard to take time off and financially, I wasn't in a good place.

However, I never wanted to decline. I was glad to be invited to their wedding in Hawaii, and I was truly happy to celebrate my friend’s happiness.

If I hadn’t attended, I would have regretted it even now.

I didn’t cover the cost of gifts, and I bore the costs of transportation and accommodation, where they treated me to a meal during my stay.

I believe that it’s more about feelings than finances. At that Hawaiian wedding, I saw friends who were likely working harder than I was manage to attend after arrangements.

Considering that one feels burdened or wants to decline, the bride can feel sad if they are present with that mindset. Frankly, I think it’s okay to decline; friendship means having an open dialogue.

If you convey your intention to celebrate, it will surely be received positively, and expressing that in some other way should be perfectly fine.

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 18】

A relative had their wedding in Hawaii! They said no monetary gifts were necessary but asked guests to cover their travel expenses. However, having children made it financially tough for me…

I explained that I cannot attend as I'm financially burdened.

They are likely aware that having a wedding abroad means guests might face financial constraints.

I think it’s fine to communicate your financial difficulties, but in return I provided a generous gift to celebrate the occasion.

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 19】

If they are truly a close friend, you can clearly tell your reasons for not being able to take time off work and express your congratulations as well, right?

You can express your joy in a different form by giving a congratulatory present the next time you meet instead of attending the wedding!

The friend likely took into consideration that there would be people unable to make it when they considered having a wedding abroad.

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 20】

I apologize for saying something negative about your friend, but I believe that inviting someone to a wedding abroad and not addressing transportation expenses shows a lack of sincerity and consideration from the bride.

When I invited friends from Hokkaido for a wedding in Honshu, and vice versa, we started by saying:

“I’ll cover one-way transportation only,” or “I understand that traveling a long distance can be costly in terms of time and money, so take your time to respond based on work commitments."

This might not directly answer your question, but I hope that brides planning weddings in remote locations will address transportation and accommodation matters when inviting guests from the start.

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 21】

Asking if there will be a domestic reception could be a smooth way to say, "I'm not sure if I can take a long break, so I’d love to celebrate in Japan! 💛"

It's tough to participate in an overseas wedding【Response 22】

I have had a similar experience, but I had to decline because it was a peak work season where I absolutely couldn’t take time off.

Fortunately, my friend understood!

Whether you can go to the wedding or not, a close friend is still a close friend♡

All responses collected from the consultation have been shared.

I was thinking there might be many responses saying, “If you can’t attend the wedding, you’re not a true friend!!! You should go no matter how tough it is!” However, it was surprisingly different.

There were many opinions that empathized with each person’s circumstances and that we should celebrate within our means! It warmed my heart.

The idea that “We shouldn't fear declining and should trust our close friends!” genuinely touched me!

There’s a saying that “Weddings are a time to cut off human relationships,” but I think it’s truly a sad thing.

Marriage is a joyous celebration and a time for congratulations. Ideally, relationships should be free of strain due to a wedding.