A Friend Who Keeps Having Weddings with the Same Person: Should I Attend Their Fifth Wedding?

2019.06.27 published

Is this really a happy occasion?

A consultation like this reached marry.

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I have an acquaintance who seems to have a hobby of having wedding ceremonies, and they are going to have their 5th wedding soon, and I’ve been invited.

(This couple got married three years ago and have had four wedding ceremonies together so far.)

I was not invited to any of the first four, but this time I received an invitation...

Do you think I have to go? What exactly is a wedding? I couldn’t bring myself to ask whether it’s a fee-based or gift-based event.

Is it strange that I want to decline? I don’t have any mutual friends who have attended the previous four weddings, and it’s awkward to bring up with others that “I was invited to that person’s wedding, but I don’t want to go.”

The 5th wedding...

Honestly, what do you think???

Since weddings are happy occasions, should I wholeheartedly celebrate? This is such a first-time experience for me; I don’t know what to do.

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I posted this on marry’s Instagram story, and 26 people responded.

Of these, 23 were in the "I don't want to go" camp, while 3 were in the "It’s okay to go" camp.

First, I will share the responses from those who don't want to go. I have arranged the responses from the three who are okay with going at the end. 🙇‍♀️

Responses from those who don’t want to go 1

I’m sorry, but I would decline if it were me.

I would make up an excuse, like saying I have a relative’s wedding on that date, to avoid going. I don’t want to pay a gift just for a hobby?

First of all, 30,000 yen is high, don’t you think? Even for the first one, it seems expensive, and for the 5th one... If they say, “Please give us a gift for our anniversary party,” that would feel unpleasant, wouldn’t it?!

Additionally, ladies have extra expenses for dressing up and hair styling, so even if gifts aren’t required, I would prefer to pass.

By the way, I was so surprised by this matter that I asked friends who have never been to a wedding, and they said,

"If they’ve had that many weddings, they must be professionals at it, so I might see a fun ceremony that doesn’t turn into a mess. If gifts aren't required, it would be a good experience, so I might attend!”

Responses from those who don’t want to go 2

I think it’s okay not to go. The 5th time is just their self-satisfaction.

Are they celebrities? Haha, there were a few people getting criticized, right?

If they want to do it, they should do it on their own. Haha.

Responses from those who don’t want to go 3

Is it misono?!? 🤭

For that person, it feels more like an announcement than a place to express gratitude.

While it is a happy occasion, if the attendees don’t feel like celebrating, I think there’s no need to go.

Responses from those who don’t want to go 4

If we’re close enough to be invited to the wedding, I would ask, "Why are you doing it so many times?" Haha.

And I wouldn’t go. Haha.

Responses from those who don’t want to go 5

I wouldn’t attend.

If I’m going to celebrate, I want to say, “Congratulations!” from the heart. If I don’t want to go, I’ll decline.

Honestly, for a 5th time, I can only think it's for the gifts and wonder when they will stop acting like a bride! 😰

I think they are probably used to people declining by now.

Responses from those who don’t want to go 6

The 5th wedding… haha

If this is their hobby, wouldn’t you want to say, “Please don’t invite me”?

For the first one, maybe, but for the 5th… How many times do they plan to receive gifts? 😅 I would really want them to consider why they are having a wedding in the first place.

A wedding is not just a time for the families and friends to get together to celebrate; it’s also a chance for the hosts to express their gratitude.

Personally… If they are having that many ceremonies, I would think they should just do it themselves. 😅

And I don’t think that they should be hosting that many events. It might just be me, but I think it isn’t appropriate.

If you want to decline, you could say something vague like “I have travel plans” or “I have a training (business trip),” just let them know you have something else planned.

I think attending a wedding that seems like a hobby is not something to be joyful about, so I thought I'd comment. ⚠️

Even if you decline, I don’t think you need to give a gift!

Responses from those who don’t want to go 7

I’m sorry, but I find this a bit shocking... A wedding as a hobby...

I think it's fine to make up an excuse and decline! Plus, it’s kind of rude to not have invited you to the first four. ⚡️

Responses from those who don’t want to go 8

I think you might be overthinking it.

It might be best to simply convey your congratulations, then vaguely say, “Unfortunately, I have an unavoidable commitment, so I probably can't attend,” in a concise manner...

Responses from those who don’t want to go 9

If you have already sent wedding gifts even when not invited to the weddings, I think it’s okay to decline attendance.

While giving a gift does seem like a monetary exchange for the cost of a course meal, free drinks, venue rental, and other expenses, it should originally be a celebration of the marriage.

If they consider weddings as a hobby, they shouldn’t calculate costs with the expectation of receiving gifts. Personally, I think if they want to have receptions, they can do it as many times as they like, but it’s honestly shocking if it’s from the wedding ceremony.

If it’s a ceremony in front of people, I can somewhat understand, but I wonder about a couple that regularly renews their vows with a different guest each time.

If they're having receptions repeatedly, then they should at least make it fee-based. I might say, “A 30,000 yen fee is a bit much! Haha,” in response.

I’ve also had to decline invitations to weddings that I just couldn’t make, and I only attended the second party for counting purposes.

If they've had several receptions, they probably are used to people declining. Haha.

Responses from those who don’t want to go 10

I think it’s fine to decline.

For me, I only attend weddings when I really want to celebrate the couple.

If they are people I want to remain close with or have done something for me, then I think it’s fine to go.

If we haven’t been in touch for almost ten years, or if it seems like it’s just for filling seats, then I will decline.

Because weddings are wonderful occasions, I understand the desire to have many, but for a 5th wedding, the ceremonial significance seems to diminish...

Responses from those who don’t want to go 11

Amazing! 💦 I didn’t know there were couples like that!

After all, I think weddings are events to celebrate the couple’s new beginning, so if guests want to go, then they should attend; if they don’t want to go, they shouldn’t feel obligated.

I think you can just say something vague like, “I can’t attend due to personal reasons,” so as not to upset the couple.

It’s up to the guests whether they attend or not.

Responses from those who don’t want to go 12

If it were a 5th anniversary party, I would go.

Responses from those who don’t want to go 13

If you have the desire to celebrate, I think it’s okay to go!

If you don't have that feeling, then sending a gift might be enough. Still, doing it multiple times is impressive! Haha.

Responses from those who don’t want to go 14

A 5th wedding? I find that hard to believe.

Depending on the relationship with that person, if you feel strongly about not attending, I think you can make up a reasonable excuse to decline.

If they really enjoy having weddings, they probably want people who have no desire to celebrate to attend...

I’m sorry to say this to the poster, but it seems like they’ve run out of guests to invite after four weddings, and they may just be filling seats.

Responses from those who don’t want to go 15

Weddings should not be treated as a hobby, so I think it’s okay not to attend. You can simply decline due to personal reasons. I don’t think you need to give a gift.

By having a 5th wedding, there must be a significant number of relationships involved to the point where they couldn’t invite everyone at once, or is it a cheap ceremony aimed at gifts with low personal expense?

Conversely, if it’s more like the 5th after-party or a casual gathering for friends, then it could reasonably be a fee-based function under 10,000 yen... right?

(I wonder if they will really charge 30,000 yen...?)

Weddings should be organized to express gratitude and report to the people they invite. If invited guests feel burdened or find the relationships unnecessary, then they don’t need to go.

Responses from those who don’t want to go 16

If you don’t want to go, it’s better not to. It’s likely that someone who has multiple weddings is quite peculiar, and they are probably making those around them feel a bit tired of it.

I think if you go to a wedding, you need to feel a sense of joy, otherwise, it will be genuinely dull. However, if you are too honest about your reason for decline, it might cause resentment, so I think it’s best to use a vague excuse.

Responses from those who don’t want to go 17

I don’t think it’s necessary to go. If it’s just an acquaintance.

If the bride is a friend to you and you want to celebrate, or if you’d like to go along with the vibe, then you should go.

Personally, I don’t understand friends with such a weird hobby, and I don’t feel like associating with them.

Weddings should be something special...

Responses from those who don’t want to go 18

A wedding as a hobby...?? I don't really get it, so I would decline. 😅😅

Responses from those who don’t want to go 19

If you genuinely want to celebrate that person’s wedding, then you should attend. However, if you are having doubts, doesn’t that mean you probably don't want to go?

I think it’s best to find a way to decline that doesn’t stir up any waves!

Responses from those who don’t want to go 20

The same couple for a 5th wedding...

I’ve heard of celebrities or some company presidents who have so many attendees that they split the events into different dates, but for ordinary people, that’s quite noteworthy!

If the questioner has not been invited to the past four, but this is the first invitation, I think it might be appropriate to attend.

If you might have a relationship with that person going forward... I wonder if there’s any reason for splitting the dates?

Responses from those who don’t want to go 21

You don’t have to force yourself to go. 🥺

Responses from those who don’t want to go 22

I’ve never heard of someone like that, but I think it’s okay to decline (laugh).

Huh? Are they trying to make it a joke? (laugh)

Isn’t it a party instead? (laugh)

It’s honestly just kind of scary (laugh).

Let's just not do it! Haha.

Responses from those who don’t want to go 23

I think you don’t have to go..

I understand the feeling of wanting to say, “I want to have the wedding again,” but I don’t think you should be having multiple ceremonies with the same person.

I’m not sure to what extent the weddings are held, but even if it’s the first time receiving an invitation, being invited for the 5th time is puzzling, and if they ask for gifts, then I might suspect their reasoning.

If they are doing it for fun, does that mean they have enough money?

If they were originally friends, they should have invited you to the very first wedding, so I honestly can’t understand. Your feelings on wanting to decline are completely valid.

Rare! Responses from those who are okay with going 1

I don’t think you have to feel obligated to go ❤️

They probably know that holding multiple weddings isn’t normal when they invite you, so you don’t need to feel any sense of duty to attend just because it’s a traditional event.

Actually, I’ve been invited to a similar wedding, and I’m going because I find it interesting and fun!

My invitation is similar; it’s about the couple's 5th wedding.

I recently became friends with the bride, and she explained, “I love weddings (and due to family circumstances, we hold multiple ceremonies)” and then invited me, “Would you like to come to the next one?”

The fact that it’s a 5th time doesn’t bother me, and as I enjoy parties, I happily agreed and will prepare a gift!

Rare! Responses from those who are okay with going 2

I think it’s best to prioritize your feelings.

If you truly can’t muster the joy to celebrate, but you want to maintain a future relationship,

You can send a telegram or a gift instead to convey your congratulations without it being disrespectful.

However, if you haven’t been invited to the first four, personally, I think it’s still valid to go.

If you haven’t been asked for gifts multiple times, it should not be considered impolite.

They may simply want to invite many people, but it’s difficult to get everyone together at once, which might also be part of the reasoning...

More than that, it's quite rare for an ordinary person to hold that many ceremonies; attending one would probably provide a great discussion point and I’m quite curious about what a 5th wedding would even be like!

Rare! Responses from those who are okay with going 3

So, you haven’t been invited to the couple’s weddings before, right?

Then, it would feel just like when you were invited to a private party after not being invited to the main wedding ceremony.

If you were invited to the previous four, I might feel overwhelmed, but since this is my first invitation, I would love to attend and celebrate.

I particularly felt joyous and emotional when I got invited to a wedding after three years since my friend got engaged.

But, regardless of the years and counts, reading just the text feels like you are leaning toward not wanting to go.

A good response might be, “Thank you for the invitation. I’m sorry, but I can’t make it. Wishing you a lovely day.”

What would you think if you were in this situation...?

A couple that considers weddings as a hobby and holds receptions multiple times.

Whether it's a fee-based or gift-based event, or strictly by invitation only, impacts the impression, but they are quite a rare couple...!

So, what would you think if you received an invitation to such a wedding?

It might be interesting to ask your friends, family, or partner their opinions on the matter.

@jewel_flower_antique