A Friend in Financial Hardship: How to Invite Without Expecting a Gift?

2020.04.10 published

A question from a future bride.

This is a project to introduce the worries and concerns sent to marry, along with the responses collected＊

Here’s the query.

********

Within my close friend group, there’s one friend who is in a very tight financial situation due to family circumstances.

Since we’re close, I want to invite her to my wedding. I don’t need a monetary gift. However, she is a very principled person, so I’m sure she would prepare a gift regardless of me saying it’s not necessary.

It pains me that she would have to prepare money for my wedding when her family is going through such tough times. But not inviting her would make me sad too, and I don't know what to do.

I feel that even saying "You don’t need to give a gift!" might come off as rude.

If you want your friend to come to your wedding, but you don’t want to impose a financial burden on her, what would you do??

*********

Here are the responses that we received＊

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】1

I think it’s best to invite her normally!

If you feel she’s conflicted about the financial situation, then you could say, “You don’t have to give a gift!” If she prepares one for you, accept it as a gesture and thank her separately.

(Since it’s a close friend group, saying she doesn’t need to give a gift might feel awkward, and I can’t predict what the others might think.)

I’m not sure how much time is left until the ceremony, but I have friends who are also financially tight, and they’re managing to save up little by little, so I would just invite her normally.

You could consider asking her for help with tasks like reception duties and giving her some cash as a thank you at that time!

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】2

If I were in the same situation as your friend, I would definitely prepare a monetary gift for my dear friend’s wedding. (Even if told it’s not necessary)

Later on, I would treat her to dinner or something similar to show my gratitude. I think that would be a nice gesture! 🤔💕💕

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】3

I would invite her 😊

It’s up to her to decide whether to attend or not! ✨ Even when I was financially tight back in my younger days, I’ve given smaller monetary gifts before. 😣

If she really wants to attend, I believe she’ll find a way to manage it, and even if she can’t come, I think she would still wish me well 💓 Plus, attending without a gift would surely feel awkward. 😓💦

I think it’s important for the asker to consider who they really want to come to the wedding. ☺️ That’s something I struggle with too. 😅 I wish for both of us to have wonderful weddings! 💓

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】4

How about asking her to help with something and, in return, telling her that a monetary gift isn’t necessary, or giving her back the full amount as a thank you?

Perhaps the reception or a friend’s speech.

You could tell her beforehand that you don’t want to impose a financial burden and prefer for her to attend without a gift…

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】5

I remember reading a story on marry before,

“We have already received a gift from ○○, so a monetary gift is not necessary as has been communicated by the bride and groom” was a very thoughtful gesture, and I was really moved.

Even if told it’s unnecessary, it might feel awkward for her to not give a monetary gift at the reception, so I thought how wonderful it would be to have such a kind lie to support each other for a happy day.

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】6

This is a true story from one of my seniors.

When my senior was in her first year as a working adult, she received multiple wedding invitations, about three a month during a wedding rush 🥴.

At that time, she was living alone and couldn’t save money, so she ended up having to call all the couples to decline.

However, each friend told her,

“I absolutely want you to come!”

“It wouldn’t mean the same without you.”

“You can come empty-handed if you’d like.”

So somehow, she managed to bring 10,000 yen for each one.

Though she felt very sorry for doing that, she talked about how happy she was to still be invited to the weddings.

And when it was her turn to have a wedding, she was determined that those friends would not have to give her a gift; she would definitely invite them!! They still have a good relationship now.◎

How about trying to invite her first? The decision is up to her. If they’re a good friend, I’m sure they will understand if you speak from the heart 💪

I want you to see me on my special day, and if you convey that feeling sincerely, everything will be fine.

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】7

A bit of a different situation, but when I had just started a new job and wasn’t financially stable yet, I received several wedding invitations from friends.

Two of them were in different prefectures, and just getting there cost about 10,000 yen round trip, but one friend let me do a representative speech and the other assigned me to reception duties, giving me quite a bit of money as “transport and thanks,” which truly helped me 😫

By giving me roles to fulfill, being able to receive the money in the name of “thank you” made it easier to accept. (I expressed my gratitude later.)

Of course, I did bring a monetary gift, but it allowed me to attend with minimal personal expense, and I felt their silent kindness 😢

Gifts through thoughtfulness are great, but sometimes, receiving money is really the most helpful 😅 I also plan to give gifts of appreciation for the friends who help with my wedding ceremony and reception.

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】8

I have a friend like that too. She’s skilled with her hands, so instead of a monetary gift, I asked her to make a wedding bear outfit!

My friend was happy to accept it! ☺️

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】9

I had a friend who came without a monetary gift as well. I had told her before that a monetary gift was not necessary, and at the reception, I informed the reception staff, “We will not be receiving a gift from A-chan, so please return it if she happens to bring one.”

If for some reason it wasn’t avoidable, I was planning to have her come to the back room to return it directly (or refund it later).

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】10

My friend came to my wedding reception from far away but felt uncomfortable and said she didn’t need any transport fees.

Still, since she is a beloved friend, I handed her 15,000 yen at the reception, and later, without my involvement, I had my parents give her an additional 15,000 yen as a “thank you for coming.”

If it came from me, she would feel awkward about it, so I made it seem as though my parents secretly prepared it and refunded the full amount of the monetary gift.

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】11

I would just invite her normally.

I completely understand the concern about her being in a tough financial situation, but if we presume that, the person being invited might feel even more pressured.

While it’s certain that finances come into play when planning a wedding, I believe the sentiment of celebration is what truly matters.

A monetary gift is a form of expressing congratulatory feelings.

Conversely, the amount being small does not necessarily mean that the sentiment is less, but if someone attends, they naturally want to express their feelings with a gift, no matter how small.

It might be good to consider how you would want to be treated if you were in their position.

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】12

What about asking her to help with the reception tasks and then providing a larger monetary amount as a thank you?

I plan to arrange a hotel stay for a friend coming from far away and request her to assist with the reception, and I intend to give her cash as appreciation. This way, it helps with travel expenses too.

That friend might feel bad attending with zero financial burden, right?

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】13

How about asking your friend to take on tasks like reception or giving a speech on the wedding day?

If she brings a monetary gift, you can initially accept it and later give her the same amount as a thank-you gift.

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】14

I experienced a similar situation at my own wedding, so I hope this can be a reference! 🙇‍♀️

In my case, I allowed my friend to decide. It would be rude for us to assume that “no monetary gifts are allowed,” and since most guests gave gifts, it felt unfair to single her out.

Nonetheless, I genuinely want her to come to the celebration. I conveyed this feeling to her and earnestly asked how she felt and what her wishes were.

The friend seemed to ponder it until the last minute and ended up preparing some money to attend. I’m sure it must have been challenging for her to arrange that.

Of course, I expressed my gratitude, but whenever we met afterwards, I treated her or casually eased her burden over time. 😌

For the record, even if she can’t come, it doesn’t affect our friendship, and I let her know it’s perfectly fine.

While I want to take financial considerations into account, I also focused on wanting her to not feel burdened emotionally. 🙂

People often can manage the finances, but I didn’t want her to regret or feel uncomfortable afterward. 😌

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】15

I would probably say, “It’s completely fine not to bring a gift!” But I would add that it should remain a secret from others.

Yet, if she still brings something on the day, I would probably give her back the same amount in the form of a meal ticket or gift card later!

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】16

You can’t know beforehand if she’ll bring a gift or not, so I think it’s a good idea to politely decline beforehand and, if she happens to bring one, return it as a token of appreciation instead.

When I unexpectedly received gifts from people I hadn’t invited to my wedding, I also gave them a return gift that matched the value.

You can’t predict monetary gifts until the day of the ceremony, so it’s essential to accept them as a gesture of goodwill initially.

It’s busy during the ceremony, so it’s better to give back afterward rather than during reception duties.

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】17

So wonderfully touching✨

I’m deeply moved by this lovely friendship‼️

Inviting her to the wedding and addressing the money matter directly, if she still brings a gift, would be perfectly fine to give it back post-ceremony 😊 That's how I would handle it. 🙌🏻

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】18

I would inform her before the ceremony that a monetary gift isn’t necessary, and if she brings one anyway, I would receive it for now and then return it later when we meet up.

While returning it feels a bit awkward, I’m sure she’d appreciate being invited, and I believe she’d still want to bring something anyway.

I feel the bride and the friend are both genuinely lovely people reading this 😌💕 Because I often see posts about inviting people out of numbers or cutting ties if not attending. It’s disheartening...

Such a thoughtful person would try to give something, even if just out of urgency. 😊

When returning the monetary gift, I’d express that I’m just thankful for her presence and appreciate our friendship, saying it makes me happy to continue our relationship, and I would be glad to support her whenever needed.

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】19

That sounds really tough..

But if you’re close, isn’t it definitely more delightful to be invited? 🌟 I think if she really can’t afford to come, she would let you know!

Since you have a close bond, how about asking her to help with tasks like reception duties or speeches?

This way, you can give her a separate thank you that’s distinct from gifts, allowing both of you to feel comfortable.

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】20

If I were a financially struggling friend, I would feel lonely being the only one not invited to the wedding among a close group, and it’s heartbreaking to imagine being left out because of “not enough money.” 😭

I think worrying about that could even come off as rude, in some circumstances.

Therefore, I would at least drop her a message about my wedding plans and let her assess if she can attend and handle the gift situation since she’s an adult! 😊

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】21

Return the entire monetary gift as transportation fees!

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】22

I would genuinely convey, “The monetary gift is absolutely fine, please don’t hesitate to come!”

If she still brings something, I might return it later telling her it’s for her husband or children. It’s really tough.

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】23

Your friend might find it hard to decline due to monetary issues, and since she seems considerate, she might even prepare something regardless of the gift situation.

How about initially accepting the gift and then returning around 20,000 yen as a gift card or something?

Accepting it first lets her know you appreciate her feelings of celebration.

This way, your friend wouldn’t feel burdened and could simply enjoy the wedding.

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】24

Perhaps you can return it through a thank-you cash gift or a separate present? I apologize for a lack of ideas. (；▽；)

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】25

How about asking her for transport fees and reception help, and returning cash in an envelope as a thank you?

You have such a good friendship that you’re aware of financial issues, so it seems reasonable to tell her you’d like her to come without any monetary obligation.

Just communicate your feelings clearly so that it doesn’t sound like you’re saying, “We don’t have a budget,” but rather “I’m happy just to have you there.” Even if she prepares something, there’s no need to feel guilty.

Your good friend genuinely wants to celebrate, even if they have to scrape together the funds, so graciously accept their gesture! They won’t mind! 😊

Later, you could offer some money as transport costs or a token of gratitude.

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】26

Not only gifts but also attire and hair styling cost money, so how about setting aside the hair styling costs and returning that as transport fees along with a gift in monetary form?

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】27

A truly sweet bride!

While wanting your dear friend to attend and see your wedding, you also worry about their finances…

Since I doubt you can directly say, “You don’t need to give a gift,” maybe you could express your gratitude by returning any gifts they might prepare as a separate return gift later on.

If the circle of your mutual friends is close, they would likely already know her circumstances, meaning it could be entirely reasonable to return her gift unique from others!

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】28

I feel both you and your friend are wonderful people! I would love for you to share these honest feelings directly.

I hope you can convey the sentiments you’ve written here in person. I’m sure it will resonate with her deeply.

If your kind friend does feel the need to bring a monetary gift later on, perhaps you could express,

“I hope we remain lifelong friends, and in case I ever find myself in a similar situation, I would love your support just as you are providing it now. So please, it’s fine for now.”

Here’s to a wonderful wedding!

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】29

Maybe incorporate her in an invitation game (like a bingo where she can win something) to make her feel more included!

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】30

Return 30,000 yen as transportation costs—equivalent to the expected monetary gift.

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】31

Perhaps include a larger return amount as transportation fees?

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】32

How about handing her a travel expense the same day or later as a thank you with a gift card?

Navigating financial issues is tricky too. Excluding just one friend could disrupt the relationships. 😢

Inviting a friend in a difficult financial situation to my wedding【Response】33

Maybe invite her for just the after-party or secretly invite her out for a meal later as a thank you, while giving her a gift card?

Various responses are available＊

It’s a question of how to invite a financially struggling friend to a wedding without burdening them with a monetary gift.

Simply saying, “You don’t need to give a gift!” might feel misleading since, for them, coming without a gift could also be uncomfortable, so rejecting a gift at the reception could come off as rude. There are various interpretations, making it challenging to pinpoint a singular “correct answer.”

Even though it might feel awkward, discussing both parties' feelings and intentions directly could provide an easy solution.

Hopefully, both can continue a respectful and lasting relationship!