Is it okay to tell guests who think a membership fee is standard, "It's a gift money system. It's 30,000 yen!"?

2019.07.29 published

Wedding Trouble Consultation

This is the content of this consultation.

*****

I am from Honshu.

He is from Hokkaido.

I am surprised at how different the wedding styles are depending on the region.

In Hokkaido, the standard is a contribution-based wedding, and all of the weddings my partner's friends have had so far have been contribution-based weddings costing about 20,000 yen.

We are having our wedding in Honshu.

I want to invite his friends, but they are probably not familiar with the cash gift system and might be puzzled.

When I talked about it with him, he said, "I'll just let my friends know that our wedding has a cash gift system and it will be 30,000 yen!"

But isn't it clearly strange to specify the amount of the cash gift???

For those who invited guests from Hokkaido to a wedding in Honshu, what did you do??

What was the reaction of the Hokkaido guests???

*****

It's true.

Saying "It's a cash gift system. It's 30,000 yen." seems like it’s practically a contribution-based wedding...

On top of that, inviting someone who has only attended weddings where 20,000 yen was the norm to a wedding that costs over 30,000 yen, plus travel and accommodation expenses... you might hesitate to invite them, considering the financial burden.

Here are some responses from people regarding this consultation＊

【Response 1】

If they are close enough to invite them to the wedding, I think it's okay to specify!

If you don't inform them that this is the norm in Honshu, it’s common to hear about guests from Tohoku giving 10,000 yen as a cash gift.

【Response 2】

I am from Hokkaido, and my partner is from Honshu. We are planning the ceremony and reception in Tokyo, but honestly, I don't expect cash gifts from the guests coming from Hokkaido.

Among my friends from Hokkaido, one of them had a wedding in Tokyo in the past, and since we all attended that wedding, I think everyone is aware of the cash gift system.

At that wedding, our group (including me) did not give 30,000 yen. We contributed 20,000 yen or 15,000 yen. So, I think it will likely be the same for my wedding.

I have heard that at weddings with many guests from areas that use contribution-based systems, it's common to lower the rank of the food, drinks, and gifts since cash gifts are not expected.

However, since we are inviting them from Hokkaido, I do plan to cover some of their travel costs, and I also don't plan to lower the rank of the food or gifts.

(By the way, in Hokkaido, there are no gifts, just a celebratory cake.)

Since there will be fewer cash gifts from my guests, our wedding will definitely be in the red, but he understands that it's a cultural difference, so it's okay.

Even so, it is still troubling.

【Response 3】

I am from Hokkaido, and my husband is from Osaka. We will hold the ceremony and reception in Osaka.

About five of my friends from Hokkaido came, but we did not say anything regarding the cash gifts. However, after the ceremony, when we opened the cash gift envelopes, all my friends gave us 30,000 yen!

I believe cash gifts represent well-wishing, and I was fine even if I didn't receive them from friends coming from afar. But everyone still wrapped up 30,000 yen each.

People of working age might know about the differences between contribution-based and cash gift systems, but I personally think it might be annoying if the bride and groom specify the cash gift amount when they already know.

【Response 4】

I conformed to the style of the wedding I was invited to.

I sent invitations with contribution-based formats to those who held contribution-based weddings and sent cash gift-based invitations to those who did cash gift weddings.

My method was to unify the invitations and specify the amount only for the contribution-based guests with a sticky note.

I thought it might be somewhat audacious to invite those who had been invited to contribution-based weddings while expecting a cash gift invitation. Some might think poorly of that!

Maybe the guys don't care that much though 😂

【Response 5】

I am sorry for not sharing a personal experience, but if you only inform them about the cash gift system, I think they will probably look it up and come prepared.

If I didn’t know about the cash gift system, I would search for it!

It’s confusing because it varies by region...

【Response 6】

My husband is also from Hokkaido.

I was also worried about whether my husband’s guests would actually prepare cash gifts, but he said that it’s generally known that contribution-based systems are only in Hokkaido.

Although I was somewhat worried, I trusted my husband... LOL

As a result, we received more than 30,000 yen in cash gifts from both friends and relatives.

If you are going to let them know it's a cash gift system, it might be best just to say that you are having a cash gift system without specifying an amount.

【Response 7】

I currently live in Hokkaido.

I moved from a region with a cash gift system, so I feel quite a difference!!

When a friend from my workplace in Hokkaido got married, they only had the ceremony without a reception. When we discussed about wrapping up a cash gift as a celebration with five colleagues, I thought 50,000 yen would be reasonable, but everyone else opposed me, saying it was too high.

The other four, who were all relatively grown adults in their 30s and late 20s, concluded that "1,000 yen per person is reasonable". It was shocking!

Since there was no reception, there were no food expenses, so they couldn't understand why it would be appropriate to wrap up an amount larger than the contribution.

However, since the gift-giving system does not exist there, the ones who wrapped up 10,000 yen did not say anything directly... 😅 In fact, they seemed surprised and grateful, saying, "Wow! We get money!?"

By the way, there was no return gift! Since we collectively wrapped up 10,000 yen, I was worried that if they returned something (even if it was about 3,000 yen), it would put us in the red... but thankfully, it didn’t happen! LOL

Although the mainstream contribution amount in Hokkaido was 15,000 yen before, it has recently increased slightly to around 17,000 to 18,000 yen, and everyone is lamenting how high it is... 😅

There is no culture of covering travel costs or accommodation for contribution-based weddings in Hokkaido.

So, if you call guests from Hokkaido to a wedding in Honshu and they think, "I also have to pay the transportation and accommodation costs, plus a cash gift of 30,000 yen!" they'll likely be shocked.

It seems better to explain well about the travel expenses being covered and that it differs from the contribution system. Rather than specifying an amount, just say it's a cash gift system, and they will look up the usual amounts.

Alternatively, you could let your friends know "You can wrap however much, but most people wrap about 30,000 yen" in a natural way.

【Response 8】

I think it's fine to just tell them about the cash gift system.

It's essentially a matter of goodwill, and everyone may have different financial situations...

【Response 9】

Both my parents are from Hokkaido, but it seems like Hokkaido people generally know that Honshu doesn’t use a contribution system. If you simply say "it's not contribution-based," they will likely look it up and prepare accordingly!

【Response 10】

Even among Hokkaido people, most of my acquaintances know that outside Hokkaido, the cash gift system is typically 30,000 yen!

I think that even without specifying the amount, someone can look it up online about the cash gift system.

【Response 11】

I also invited many friends from Hokkaido and held my wedding in Honshu! I didn’t specifically state that there was a cash gift system or what the usual amounts were.

However, Hokkaido people are aware that in Honshu, there’s a cash gift system and the usual amount is around 30,000 yen! Due to the internet, in Hokkaido, invitations commonly include a mention that 20,000 yen is the contribution fee.

Therefore, if there’s nothing mentioned in the invitation, they might infer it’s a cash gift system... Alternatively, you might include a message card saying it’s not contribution-based for just the Hokkaido guests.

How about having your husband communicate that it is a cash gift system?

【Response 12】

I live in Hokkaido, but I have been invited to a wedding in Honshu.

It was a cash gift system, but since I had just started working and family costs plus the cash gift amount of 30,000 yen added up to about 100,000 yen, it was quite a financial burden on me.

I believe contribution-based weddings in Hokkaido usually cost under 20,000 yen (while the details of the gifts differ considerably).

Among close friends, some prepare gifts or cash gifts, but there are also those who do not (they may only do a reception with a contribution and nothing else).

It's a unique Hokkaido culture that even for celebratory events, cash gifts may not be prepared? So if you need to, it might be worth mentioning that the norm is around this amount...

I think cash gifts should reflect your goodwill, but many people are likely unfamiliar with it 😥 I hope there won’t be any situations that could embarrass your husband or friends or cause issues later on!

【Response 13】

I’m from Hokkaido, and many people know that "Hokkaido has a contribution-based system and Honshu has a cash gift system." So, you don’t have to specifically communicate that it’s 30,000 yen or anything like that!

A friend of mine recently had a wedding in Honshu, and the friends from Hokkaido who went to it wrapped 30,000 yen.

【Response 14】

My husband is from Aomori, which, like Hokkaido, is a contribution-based region.

We are planning to hold the wedding in my hometown, but my husband’s parents mentioned that they have only attended contribution-based weddings.

During the engagement discussions, they asked what the standard cash gift amount was, so I replied, "I usually wrap 30,000 yen."

Also, it seems that some of my husband’s friends are aware that people who have left their hometown hold cash gift weddings, so they have some recognition of it.

If there are those who are completely clueless, I think it might be good to let people know that it’s better to aim for a number that can be rounded to 30,000 yen!

【Response 15】

My husband is from Okinawa. Since the Okinawa weddings don’t involve course meals, the standard cash gift is 10,000 yen.

So, I didn't specifically convey the amount, but I casually mentioned that "The weddings in Honshu and Okinawa are quite different."

As a result, no one brought 10,000 yen!

【Response 16】

I am also from Honshu, and my husband is from Hokkaido! Like the questioner, I think it is wrong to specify the amount of the cash gift as 30,000 yen!

Nowadays, you can quickly find out the usual amount through research, so I believe that saying it’s a cash gift system as per Honshu’s customs should be sufficient.

It may seem high from the perspective of people from Hokkaido who usually give less (just their contribution), but ultimately, there are clearly more people living in Honshu, so it’s normal to align with their customs.

I, on the other hand, am confused about having the wedding in Hokkaido, but when in Rome, do as the Romans do 🤷‍♀️

【Response 17】

I live in Hokkaido. The first wedding I attended as a guest was a cash gift system in Honshu.

Since it was my first time being invited, I looked up the average gift amounts and etiquette online beforehand.

I think that if you have some common sense at a certain age, you would understand that the wedding customs are different in Hokkaido and Honshu. Most guests will likely research this on their own.

Personally, I held a contribution-based wedding in Hokkaido, so this is my speculation, but if the cash gifts from guests coming from Hokkaido are notably low or completely absent, it could hinder future relationships, so it might be appropriate to convey a suggested amount for preventing awkwardness.

Normally, I believe guests would figure it out on their own...

However, as someone attending from Hokkaido, it would really help me to have travel and accommodation expenses covered.

【Response 18】

I knew someone in a similar situation.

They set a uniform contribution amount for the wedding in Honshu.

Apparently, instead of covering the travel expenses, they opted for a lower contribution amount 🤔

【Response 19】

I am from Honshu, but my partner is from Hokkaido. We had our wedding in Honshu!

I was surprised to learn that Hokkaido uses a contribution system while Honshu has a cash gift system😳

However, the guests from Hokkaido were aware that "Weddings in Honshu are cash gift-based and usually cost around 30,000 yen," so I didn’t need to specify anything; they gifted at least 30,000 yen!

However, considering the travel and accommodation costs for moving between Hokkaido and Honshu, I felt quite guilty about inviting them to attend the wedding.

So, I covered all of their hotel costs! We also chose a venue that was closest to the airport, arranged for buses to take them to the venue, and modified the schedule to match their arrival times.

Most of the guests from Hokkaido came with a travel mindset, saying "Honshu is fun!!" and left satisfied, so I felt good about inviting them.

On the day, remembering the names of the guests from Hokkaido and personally thanking them for making the trip from afar will probably make them feel glad they came!

【Response 20】

My husband is from Kyushu, but I was living in Hokkaido due to a job transfer. Our wedding was held in Kyushu.

At that time, I invited my superiors, colleagues, and friends from Hokkaido, but I didn’t mention that it was a cash gift system, yet everyone brought cash gifts.

Invitations from Hokkaido state a contribution fee of 20,000 yen, so if that wasn't mentioned, I think Hokkaido folks would assume it’s a cash gift system.

If there are any uncertainties, I feel like your husband might get contacted for clarification.

【Response 21】

I am the opposite of the questioner. I am from Hokkaido, and my husband is from Kanto, so we will have the ceremony in Kanto.

I felt a bit apologetic to my friends, but I decided to go with the Kanto customs and have a cash gift system. I didn’t specify an amount, but I informed them that it would be a cash gift system, and for travel allowances, I would give 10,000 yen to each person.

By the way, the cost for the second party is significantly higher in Kanto than in Hokkaido.

(In Hokkaido, you can attend a second party for about 3,500 to 5,000 yen.)

It might be too harsh for them—considering travel and accommodation costs plus high reception and second-party costs—so for guests from Hokkaido only, I lowered the second party contribution.

Since the amount for the second party varies by person, it was a bit challenging, but I received good feedback from the Hokkaido guests, saying they appreciated it!

【Response 22】

I’m from Hokkaido, and my husband is from Shikoku. We held our wedding in Okinawa!

When I talk to friends from Hokkaido, it seems normal to mention that the standard amount is around 30,000 yen 🙂

Additionally, saying to friends, "I’ll provide travel allowances, so you can add that to the transportation expenses" can prevent them from being surprised at the 30,000 yen!

【Response 23】

I have not invited any guests from Hokkaido, so I might not be of much help... I don't think the amount for the cash gift should be specified.

I believe that if it's their first time attending a cash gift-system wedding, they would search for the average amounts on their own. Even someone from Honshu would likely inquire and find out about it if it’s their first time, so that should be the same regardless of location.

There may be someone who gives only 20,000 yen, but since cash gifts are presented as a gesture of goodwill, it would be rude to specify amounts like 30,000 yen.

Just having them come all the way from Hokkaido makes me feel grateful!

【Response 24】

My husband is also from Hokkaido, but friends from my hometown are mostly aware that Honshu uses a cash gift system with the usual amount being 30,000 yen. Therefore, I don’t think you should overly worry about it.

【Conclusion】 Few people suggest specifying the amount for cash gifts

Out of 24 responses, only a minority thought it's okay to explicitly communicate the cash gift amount as 30,000 yen!

The consensus seems to be that since we are all adults, we can adjust to the situation... which is quite valid.....!!!!

Through listening to various responses, I found out:

☑ That contributions can be divided by guests.

☑ That you can separate cash gift and contribution-based weddings for different guests.

☑ In cases where cash gifts cannot be expected overall, it’s common to lower the rank of meals and gifts.

There were a lot of things I learned that I didn't know.

For weddings with many guests from afar or where custom differences create confusion, some couples have two weddings.

@nagisa_marry

I wish you to carefully consider everything so that you may have a wedding without regrets...!