Is This a Wedding High? My Friend Asks Me Questions but Won't Answer When I Return the Favor, Saying "It's a Secret Until the Big Day!"

2019.08.21 published

This is today's相談 (consultation).

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I know that consulting someone about this won't solve anything, but I just can't process it myself, and I would like to hear everyone's experiences and opinions, so I will ask my question 🙇‍♀️

My friend seems to be in a "wedding high."

Our weddings are around the same time, and whenever we meet, she always asks me, "What about your dress?" "Have you made any reservations?" but I just end up answering.

When I asked her back, she said, "That's a secret until the wedding!" and she won't even tell me the name of the venue..... 😂

This one-sided communication is honestly stressful, and I don't know how to respond...

Is my friend experiencing a wedding high?? How have you all dealt with friends or acquaintances who are in a wedding high?

Also, what behaviors made you think, "That's clearly a wedding high"?

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Here are the collected responses.

Response 1

Rather than a wedding high, it seems like she just wants to extract information from you...

But does she not want to share information and keeps it a surprise?

However, if she has never acted like this before and is behaving this way because of the wedding, then it might indeed be considered a wedding high.

Personally, I find it somewhat annoying when friends who are preparing for their wedding post vague hints on social media.

Like changing their profile picture to one in a wedding dress (from a fitting) or posting, "Only ◯ days until the wedding, so excited…!" along with pictures of their wedding nails.

It's nice for those who receive the invitation, but doesn't it come off as rude to those who weren't invited? Even single people wouldn't feel good about it.

If it was a post after the wedding, I could sincerely comment congratulations! But I dislike vague hints (laughs).

I'm also cautious about my wedding high, but looking back, I can't be 100% sure that I didn’t make my single friends uncomfortable.

For your friend, there’s nothing to do but watch and learn as a cautionary tale…

Response 2

This is about my friend (A). (A) is pregnant. The problem is with another friend (B), who seems to be in a wedding high and is asking A to help out with the reception, somewhat forcing her to attend, even though she knows A is pregnant.

For A, it’s her long-awaited first child. Also, B’s wedding will be just a month or so after A's child is born. Newborns can be unpredictable, and I think A feels anxious.

Kind A seems to have said, "I'll come if I can," but I thought, ah, this really is a wedding high...

A wedding high that doesn’t consider the guests is quite tough for those around, and it serves as a cautionary tale for me.

Response 3

Why not try dodging it with, "I don’t want to be told anything!" (laughs)?

Response 4

I feel like it's not so much a wedding high as it is a friend who just can't consider other people's feelings.

Response 5

I think it’s natural to get excited about a once-in-a-lifetime wedding...

Do recent brides have to be careful even about showing their excitement for the wedding?

If you don’t like being asked while you’re providing information, then just say you want it to be a secret as well!

I would directly tell the person, "It's unfair that you only take information!" to resolve it! This issue is not so much about whether it's a wedding high, but rather how to deal with one-sided communication!

I personally think conveying that to the person or just pulling back is the way to go.

I also feel like you might be stressing yourself out by being too caught up in the idea of a wedding high...

I believe it’s natural for brides to look forward to their wedding, so saying someone is in a wedding high feels off…

When did the term wedding high even come about? 😅

Response 6

I don’t think asking fellow brides-to-be or recently married friends for questions and information is a wedding high, but it's quite something if they just listen and don’t reciprocate… 😳

Even taking a step back from wedding high, I might question that friend's communication skills 😂💦 I wonder if they've always been that oblivious to social cues?

It’s really tiring when a conversation can't flow and feels one-sided 😂💦

For me, a wedding high would be someone bringing their wedding hype into the workplace 😅

It’s fine if they’re asked or brought up as casual talk, but honestly, dealing with one-sided wedding chat from acquaintances is exhausting 😂

However, if it’s a good friend, I don’t mind discussing wedding topics at all! I’m happy to be supportive of their wedding high 🥰

I genuinely enjoy hearing about it and seeing photos of the dresses they tried on!!

Response 7

I have to reflect on something I did myself...

I occasionally dragged those around me into my wedding diet and skincare blues 💦 like whining about not wanting to go to the beach because I’d burn 😭 or complaining about the buffet 😭.

Looking back now, it really did seem like I was being selfish in my wedding high 😭

Response 8

If you know they won't tell you, then just don’t share when they ask, and that might relieve some of your stress.

Response 9

I was in a similar situation! 😅😅😅

I had a friend who often asked, "Have you decided on your dress?" "What about the sound?" "How far along are your meetings?"

I answered within the scope of what I could share (like progress), but wanted to keep the dress and sound a secret until the day.

Later, that friend also got engaged and returned the questions about what she had asked me... only to get a, "It’s a secret until the day" from me 😅

So, I just replied, "Wow 💗 I’m excited 💗💗," and didn’t ask any questions about the wedding when we met again.

I think you could respond within what’s comfortable for you and simply say, "I haven’t decided yet! It’s tough, right?" to let it slide without any stress 😄

Response 10

I lost a close friendship due to a wedding high.

Both of us registered our marriages at the same timing, but my close friend ended up getting married in Hawaii before me.

She wanted me to help out, insisted on me coming for her wedding even though I was financially strained.

We had conversations about the dress at every meeting, but she didn’t fill me in about what I’d be doing until the last minute.

Then, at the last moment, I was asked for costumes for the guests and many other things, and I was appalled that they hadn’t prepared anything beforehand.

Even though I was spending money, I don’t have fond memories of my time in Hawaii. I understand that the bride is the star, but her self-centered high was too excessive, and I thought it was a good thing to cut ties.

Whenever I share this story with someone, they tell me it’s good that I cut off ties with that person who was overwhelmed by wedding high.

Response 11

Just don’t meet 🙄🤙🏻

Response 12

There was a friend who had her wedding three weeks before mine. I find it a little strange that your friend's venue is a secret, but she consulted me about various things since her wedding day was approaching!

From our conversations, I ended up sharing a lot more information, and I often would guide her with, “Here's something you could do like this!”

I was more of the consultant like “how are you feeling?” “Have you decided on your dress?” 😂

She is very straightforward and would ask, “What should I do now? Is this dress okay?” “Did you outsource the video company?” 😊

I want every wedding to be one that everyone agrees on, so I shared whatever information I had 😊

However, when she asked me questions about my wedding, I didn't want to spoil it, so I’d say something vague like “Still working that out~” even though I had already decided things 😂

In the end, we ended up choosing the same video company, but we were picking different styles of videos, so that was fine. By sharing information, we were able to avoid a lot of oversharing 🙌

In hindsight, I might have been the one in the wedding high 😂

However, I think since communication is stressful for you, you could respond as your friend does by saying, “I’d prefer it to be a secret until the wedding!”

I believe your friend isn’t asking out of malice, and I understand how someone who is planning their wedding closely might be overly curious. “People are people,” so I think it’s best not to stress about it.

Response 13

I had a friend who was getting married at the same venue nine months later.

Since my wedding was first, she referred to my chosen dress shop as "that cheap place," and she attended my wedding more like a survey than as a celebratory guest, so I did have uncomfortable feelings at times, but I let it roll off!

Next time she asks me something, I might just say, “My own is a secret until the wedding!”

Response 14

I would respond back to the same questions. "What about you, XX-chan?" I’d frame it in a way where if you tell me, I’ll share back. If they say, "It’s a secret," then I’d also keep it to myself.

If it all becomes too much, I would want to avoid meeting up too often. I dislike it when it feels like they’re just extracting my information without sharing, so if they don’t tell me, then I also won’t share.

Response 15

I wasn't that close with a friend, but I received a message on our group chat late one night saying, "I just got proposed to!" and then two weeks later was told, "I’m getting married exactly one year from now at XX! Save the date!"🤔

After a year, I thought it was obvious to get a date! I also felt pressured when she told me she'd send out the invites and wanted my RSVP six months in advance but we had never hung out and I ended up declining... 😩

I felt that announcing everything way too soon is also kind of wedding high 💦

Her Instagram at the time was entirely wedding-related, and I thought she could just make a wedding account. If we were closer, it’d be different, but since we weren’t that close, her wedding high seemed clear to me 💦

Response 16

Since you’re also a bride-to-be, I think your friend is excited to share because she feels she's in the same position as you.

However, it feels uneasy to only receive questions and extract information while she keeps her own plans a secret.

Perhaps she sees you as a rival and wants her wedding to shine more, especially if they have mutual friends.

I also have a joyous bride-to-be friend that is currently in a wedding high. There was a group trip we had planned a long time ago, and we agreed to wear matching outfits for the trip. But she asked me to buy it on her behalf since she was busy planning her wedding!

When I mentioned a mutual friend who would attend my wedding but not hers, she could wash over it with, “But they’ll come to mine!”

At that time, I was disappointed at her inability to consider others' feelings, especially since she didn’t plan to invite that mutual friend while still wanting to invite me when it was her time to be a bride.

Response 17

I would say, "Me too, that’ll be a secret!" (laughs)

It has become bothersome as we keep bringing up wedding topics whenever we meet…

Response 18

It seems more like your friend is trying to extract information to secretly compare herself with you...?

While she might not vocalize it, it feels like she could be competing internally with yourself.

What if you say something directly like, "As we're both planning weddings around the same time, I would love to share information and get advice, but I feel a bit uncomfortable answering all the questions without reciprocation."?

Response 19

The idea of "wedding high" is someone who talks about themselves one-sidedly without being asked!

Your friend might want to avoid overlap in ideas or wants to reference your choices, or maybe she’s simply being social and thinks she’s helping to build up conversation.

If it’s stressful, just respond with “Let’s keep everything a secret until our wedding!” and keep the conversation light that way.

Response 20

In that case, I think I’m in a major wedding high 😂 Given that it’s before the wedding, I think it should be okay to be excited.

For sure, I dislike being asked questions but not hearing anything back, so I set the expectation between fellow brides about what we’re comfortable sharing (like how much the after-party costs).

Maybe you could respond to your friend saying, “That’ll be a secret until the wedding 🤭," prompting both of you to only share what you feel like discussing.

I felt very fortunate to have a friend going through the same wedding planning phases because it gives us room to share and support each other through the struggles!

Response 21

It feels more like a wedding high or maybe excessively enthusiastic. Then, there are those who recommend only the venue they chose… such a variety of personalities!

That your friend keeps her plans secret even when you return questions seems challenging 💦 In this case, it might be better to keep a distance, responding, "Then, that’s a secret until the wedding!" 🤫

If she's using your information as hints, it doesn't sound good at all.

Response 22

Just ignore it (laughs).

If she doesn't respond to your questions, then just say, "Okay then, I won't share my info either."

Response 23

I think saying, “My wedding plans will be under wraps until the wedding too!” or suggesting you both keep everything a secret until the big day could be nice.

I’m not defending your friend, but maybe she’s just feeling nervous and curious about your experiences as it’s a brand new venture for her...

We might want to be more empathetic and keep encouraging each other as fellow brides!

Response 24

I have a friend who posts daily on social media about how happy she is with her kind husband and how they're preparing for their wedding, sharing sneak peeks of their pre-wedding photos!

I can’t help but feel she’s quite in a wedding high.

If she posted less often, it might feel lovely, but since it’s daily, it becomes quite noticeable 😂 I even ended up unfollowing her 😂

Response 25

I totally relate to having a friend who is getting married at the same time as me!!!

I find myself often quizzed about my wedding and planning, but she rarely reciprocates, which can feel incredibly uncomfortable 💦💦

Since we’re both attending each other’s weddings, I feel like it adds pressure and competition that isn’t needed, and it honestly bugs me 😂😂

Thus, I tend to refrain from being overly honest in my responses! Since she also maintains a secretive behavior, I return with vague answers!

While it may be an attempt to share feelings or thoughts, it can be quite exhausting 💦

It might sound harsh, but I strongly believe that it's best for my mental health not to focus on her feelings too much 😂 This is a precious wedding, and I don’t want to become stressed out by a friend's actions and miss out on enjoying my own ceremony!

Maybe it’s okay to distance yourself when she starts discussing the wedding!

Response 26

I myself was in a wedding high!

Since my wedding was after my friend’s, I felt eager to gather all kinds of insights and ended up asking too many questions…💧

My friend, being honest, seemed to show signs of annoyance and started to self-limit how much info she shared. Nowadays, we still consult occasionally, but I make sure to keep a good balance 😊

It might be worth trying with your wedding high friend by saying, "I’m feeling overwhelmed thinking solely about the wedding, and I’d like to talk about other topics."

When you’re nearly at your wedding, it can be easy to get caught up and lose sight of other perspectives, so I appreciated that my friend was direct about her discomfort.

Response 27

I’m currently facing the same situation.

A friend with whom I had a close relationship decided to hastily marry after I announced mine, talking of registering her marriage before me...

I honestly don’t care about the timing, but her consistent wedding announcements and efforts to signal to our circles have been overwhelming.

Now that her wedding is set, I’ve become exhausted from having to listen to wedding talk every time we meet, and I’ve decided to pull back from regular communication; this is wedding high.

It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way. Taking distance seems to be the best option. You definitely don’t have to feel stressed!

Friends are important, cherish them♡

I have shared all the responses gathered regarding the complaint from a friend who was stressed by someone asking numerous questions about wedding details while keeping everything about their own wedding secret.

It's indeed stressful communicating with someone who queries everything without revealing their own plans... It is almost reminiscent of interviews...

If that’s the case, it might be much more enjoyable to hang out with people who happily share their details without being asked.

But still, friends are indeed invaluable. Especially friends aside from family whom we can maintain long-term relationships with. That is a rare and precious treasure.

And!

While the term "wedding high" may sound daunting, the excitement and joy that comes from anticipating a wedding is undeniably wonderful. We should refrain from dampening someone else’s joy with our own feelings.