"In This Day and Age, My Partner's Parents Asked for a Formal Engagement Ceremony – Is It Strange That I Want to Decline?"

2020.01.29 published

Questions from brides-to-be about the engagement ceremony＊

~Consultation received at marry~

I am getting married.

Although neither I nor my family require it, my fiancé's parents are saying, "Please let us have the engagement ceremony."

Upon researching, I found that the engagement ceremony signifies that I will be marrying into their family or becoming one of their family members, right? Like a request for care?

After marriage, I will take on my fiancé's surname, but since we are both working and will not be living with my husband’s family and will form a new household as a couple, I cannot understand why they want to hold an engagement ceremony. However, I also feel that saying "I will not become a member of your family, so I will decline the engagement ceremony" seems a bit arrogant, which troubles me.

Has anyone experienced not wanting an engagement ceremony but being told by the other party that they want one???

I would like to hear your thoughts 🙇‍♀️

~~~~

Here are all the gathered responses＊

Response 1

If your fiancé says "Please let us have the engagement ceremony," it has a strong implication that you should be obedient to his family's wishes.

Therefore, it is necessary to ask the meaning behind having the engagement ceremony. I have experience with a broken engagement, and after the ceremony, my ex-fiancé's mother's attitude changed.

Response 2

When they say, "We would love to have an engagement ceremony," it does not mean "come to our house," but rather, "we have the intention for the engagement." It is merely an exchange of money, so if you communicate, "The engagement ceremony is not necessary, but I would appreciate a meal meeting for introductions instead," I think that will resolve the issue.

Having an engagement ceremony has become a mere formality, so you may not need to think deeply about it. However, if your husband’s family values traditional ceremonies highly, it would be wise to accommodate their wishes.

Taking on your partner's surname means you are becoming "family," which is natural. Thinking it in terms of caregiving... that might be overthinking things a bit.

Instead, your husband’s family wanting to have an engagement ceremony shows they are polite and quite likable.

It indicates, "We want to pay this amount because we are marrying you."

Just like the "veil down" ceremony at weddings or having a "wedding dress and colored dress," marriage can also mean "being dyed by the other family," so I think saying "I have no intention of becoming part of that family" comes off a bit rude.

Response 3

Initially, we were told about the engagement ceremony too, but due to my family's location being far away and considering the expenses needed for the wedding, honeymoon, and subsequent life, we decided to have a meeting over a meal without the engagement ceremony. My parents also shared that view 🙆🏻‍♀️

As a result, the two of us ended up having the in-laws (the family we married into) bear the extra expenses♪

Response 4

I think of the engagement ceremony merely as a formality, so I don't think you need to consider it too seriously. I don't think your fiancé's parents are thinking that deeply about it when they want the engagement ceremony.

Response 5

The engagement ceremony can be quite formal, so how about opting for an informal type and exchanging commemorative items during the introductions?

Saying something like, "I would like to have a cordial meal to connect our families," could be well-received.

As a ceremony to cement the marital relationship, I don’t think it necessarily implies a strong commitment from the bride!

Response 6

When the proposal for the engagement ceremony came from the other party, I found that preparing gifts for the ceremony or return gifts could be a financial burden for my family, so I told my parents to discuss with the other party and we eliminated the engagement ceremony 💦

However, now there are times when they express that they were not allowed to have an engagement ceremony, so it’s a tough dilemma 💦💦

There may be areas where families observe, "That household didn’t have an engagement ceremony even when they took in a bride."

Response 7

I don’t know all the details, but maybe it’s something they want to establish as a formality. How about asking your fiancé about the intention behind wanting the engagement? (Mentioning only what you are concerned about without being direct)

Response 8

We initially declined the engagement ceremony, but in the end, we ended up having it. We had introductions first, and although we rejected the engagement ceremony at that time, his parents proceeded with discussions under the assumption that we would have one.

What’s more confusing is that even though they were the ones wanting the ceremony, we ended up paying for the meal during the introductions. (Incidentally, his parents covered the costs of that meeting.)

In my case, since the marriage was triggered by pregnancy, we should have registered quickly and started our new life together, but it’s a bit embarrassing to say that my husband was still a student and would always take orders from his parents. They cared about the date and place so much that ultimately we had no choice but to give in.

With the arrival of our child, the husband’s parents decide on everything for events like the shrine visit and the first meal celebrations. Since we initially yielded, it seems they became overly accustomed to pushing their demands.

I’m sorry that I can’t offer a solution; this is just my experience. It might help if you could convey your feelings to your husband once regarding your family.

Response 9

I envy how enthusiastic your fiancé’s parents are.

We were given complete freedom, and there was no support at all.

They say you’re just changing surnames, but that feels a bit irresponsible.

If your fiancé’s parents fall ill, it is natural for relatives to lend a hand, and if your own parents get sick, there will be support from your husband and visits from their family.

Whether you have the engagement ceremony or not, it would be wise to think a bit more about going into marriage and becoming relatives.

If you're thinking like you currently are, then you should clearly refuse the engagement ceremony.

Response 10

I think you might be overthinking it 😅 I don’t think the other party is contemplating it that deeply either!

If there are siblings or parents who have a family tradition of engagement ceremonies, they might want to do it even for the sake of customs.

There could be some families that share the concerns you have, but it may not be everyone’s view 🥺

Response 11

My parents decided that engagements can be burdensome and decided to hold just a meal meeting for introductions!

Response 12

We had an engagement ceremony!! However, it didn't have a deep meaning, we treated it like a meet and greet between families.

Response 13

My situation was somewhat similar!

Even though I would take my husband’s surname, we still worked together, and our home would be close to my hometown (his being out of the prefecture), and there were no plans for us to live together.

The ways of thinking between both families differed, as my parents were fine with just a meal meeting, but my in-laws were firmly set on having an engagement ceremony.

Therefore, we reached a middle ground and had a simple engagement ceremony at a nice hotel in between both families!

There were no kimonos or engagement gifts involved.

We only displayed the wedding money and engagement ring from the husband’s side, while my side presented a wristwatch as a return gift for the engagement ring.

Originally, the engagement money was not planned, but my in-laws offered it as a formality, and we used it to help with wedding expenses.

Looking back now, it helped strengthen the feeling that we became family from that day, and I think it was great to have a commemoration with pictures that was even included in our profile movie \( ˆoˆ )/!

Response 14

Have you already had introductions with both families?

Both my fiancé and I discussed that engagements are cumbersome, costly, and that customs differ between Kansai and Kanto regions, so we decided to skip it.

During the introductions, his parents did ask about the engagement ceremony, but we suggested not having one given the regional differences.

Although he is in his 30s, I am in my early 20s with an average amount of savings, and his parents understood our desire to save money and agreed.

As a trade-off, they helped with some of the wedding costs.

There are plenty of reasons to decline due to financial, effort, cultural, or personal preferences.

Response 15

I had the engagement ceremony along with other pre-engagement events based on the other party’s wishes.

In the traditional sense, there might be implications like those you’ve mentioned, but today it’s usually viewed as a greeting to bind the two families together.

I also work and do not live with my husband’s family.

Although my husband is the eldest son and will inherit the family, my in-laws told me they would never force cohabitation as long as they are alive.

The engagement money I received was a great help in preparing for our new life together.

In this era where hardly anyone has engagements, I believe it’s appreciated when someone wants to formally acknowledge the relationship in such a way.

If it is unbearable, how about explaining that it involves financial burden on the other side?

Response 16

We only had a meal meeting, but the engagement ceremony was a potential option. Personally, I didn’t think of caring responsibilities and such.

I am not sure if his parents think that way, but how about your fiancé subtly asking them about their true intentions?

Response 17

Like the bride, I was asked to have an engagement ceremony. It’s a nice culture in Japan, but in today’s world, I’m very concerned about future finances, so I politely declined, stating I’d prefer to use that money for the wedding and our future savings.

They might be parents who want to make a solid first impression. I think it’s okay to decline politely while monitoring the situation.

Response 18

I said we didn’t need anything that extravagant, but he insisted on having it, and we did so at a restaurant!

Now, I feel it was good that we went through with it.

His parents probably want to ensure they properly welcome me, since they are marrying me into their family.

It’s far better than being treated casually and having conflicted relationships afterward.

Even if we maintain separate households or work together, being a bride means you are becoming part of his family, right?

Whether or not you will provide care in the future is a different issue, but I feel like wanting to refuse the engagement ceremony to avoid connections with your in-laws might come off a bit insincere 😅 I’m sorry 💦

Response 19

Are you overthinking it? I think marriage is a wonderful occasion that strengthens the bond between the two families, even if you opted out of the engagement ceremony. It could also be viewed as a sign of welcoming and wanting to better relations between the families.

Wouldn't it be great if you could reach a mutual understanding with your husband’s family about this?

Response 20

We were in a somewhat similar situation.

However, my parents insisted they didn't wish for a solemn event, and after discussing it with him, we held just an introductions meal without formal engagement. But then, I was surprised when they brought the engagement money!

Since they offered it, my parents were frantic about returning it, but my in-laws said, “It’s to express our gratitude for receiving your precious daughter; accepting the konyaku funds without expecting a return is proper,” so we received it without delivering a return gift.

Given how cultural backgrounds may require engagements, perhaps rather than simply refusing, it could be more advantageous to have a discussion between both families.

Response 22

We thought his mother would expect an engagement ceremony, and so she stated she would like one.

However, we expressed a preference for simply holding a meal for both families to meet. In our case, since we intended to manage the wedding costs entirely ourselves without parental support, it would be best to have both sides discuss matters thoroughly.

It may be harsh, but is your refusal of the engagement ceremony related to not wanting to care for the parents in the future?

Upon marriage, you become family, even without the same bloodline. If you can’t regard your-own family with as much importance, then it might be better not to marry.

Response 23

I believe it might be good for your fiancé to ask his parents about their intentions. It may simply be a gesture of warm welcome they have in mind.

In my case, I was told we didn’t need anything serious by my in-laws, but during the meeting for introductions, I was suddenly asked, “Will you take our daughter?” and I froze!

Like you, I didn’t have the sense of marrying into anything, so that situation became a trouble!

Whether it’s an introductory meeting or not, I don’t think you’ll ever fully understand your future in-laws’ true motives, so it would be best to discuss thoroughly with your fiancé and communicate appropriately about such matters.

Response 24

I was completely ignorant of the term and meaning of engagement when we got engaged...

After I thought I was engaged, the flow led to the engagement ceremony at a hotel, which panicked me and made me look up information and ask around constantly.

I completely understand the concerns expressed by the asker, but considering it’s a traditional part of marriage, if someone says it doesn’t mean you have to comply with everything from your husband’s side, then I think an engagement should be done.

Although it involved a cumbersome preparation with family involved, it has now become a cherished memory, in essence just a formality... (Is that a bad way of putting it? Laugh)

Some families have rituals that are historically necessary.

Yet, when you think about how organized they are, it feels quite pleasant!

As such, I think you shouldn’t overanalyze and should consider proceeding with the engagement ceremony 😊

Response 25

I was indifferent about having an engagement ceremony, but my fiancé and his parents wanted to do it.

My parents and relatives were very pleased about it.

They felt that the family where my daughter will marry is treating her well.

Marriage implies becoming a part of the other family.

It’s a significant matter to marry.

Don’t you think the notion of engagements means being cherished to that extent?

In this day and age, it's a special thing to have an engagement. Why not try to engage without overthinking it? It'll be memorable and a great experience.

Response 26

Engagement isn’t something about requesting care 😢

Upon investigating, I’ve learned that the proposal between two individuals is like a verbal promise, but holding an engagement ceremony formalizes the engagement between the two families!

Please consider the feelings of your husband’s parents.

Perhaps they are thinking of you and your parents as a consideration in providing an official opportunity for both families to come together.

I believe that only those who care for you and your fiancé would insist on such a ceremony.

You might want to discuss with your fiancé positively about this 😊

All options are valid, and it may help to ask around among the married friends about their perspectives!

Response 27

I also received a proposal for an engagement ceremony from my husband’s parents, but in the end, we declined.

They were considering my family's rural background and suggested such traditions might be good to maintain, but my parents conveyed they weren’t overly concerned about such customs and, together with various other considerations, led my husband to politely navigate towards not having the engagement.

It’s possible the fiancée's family may not quite grasp the initial reason behind the engagement, considering other issues as well.

Without jumping to conclusions, discussing these matters further with your husband and family could lead to regret-free decisions!

Response 28

I’ve seen brides and grooms grappling with engagement discussions in my previous clients.

However, remember that there are various types of engagement.

I recommend recognizing the spirit of the other party’s feelings by having at least a form of engagement.

If necessary, having an informal engagement would be appropriate!

Engagement is said to be unique to Japan, so it might not be a bad idea to view it as an opportunity to embrace this culture.

I hope my past experiences can aid you in finding a resolution 😌

Response 29

This is merely my opinion, but if your fiancé's family will not listen to your wishes regarding the engagement, I believe marriage will be challenging 💡

Marriage requires acceptance of different customs and understandings. If your fiancé's family is excessively demanding, it may pose some risks.

This is just my perspective as someone who has gone through a broken engagement.

Response 30

Traditionally, engagements are initiated by the man's side requesting it, while the woman's side decides whether to uphold it. This indicates that promises are being made before both families.

You should express to your fiancé that your parents hold this view… but we made it work by allowing our parents to handle it.

In lieu of the engagement, we held a meal meeting! We incurred the costs for that part ourselves.

If they are so inclined, perhaps it would be okay to accept their good intentions?

Response 31

Sorry to intrude via DM. Opinions on engagements differ greatly, and my understanding is that requests like "thank you for marrying our son" can simply be an expression of gratitude.

Since it is a matter related to both families, it would be best to consult your own parents. If they share your thoughts, then it might be best to express that it’s your parents’ wishes.

With engagement returns, the costs can be quite significant. If your parents truly wish to engage, it might be worthwhile to create a consensus.

Response 32

I also had a conversation regarding an engagement with my fiancé's parents but settled on a simple meal for introductions instead.

Some regions still uphold formalities regarding engagements, and even if it means changing surnames, his parents wanted to ensure they properly greet my parents.

Hence, when I communicated that engagements were not common in my family and that my parents expressed it was unnecessary, they understood!

Response 33

I was also told the same thing. My fiancé’s family is traditional and puts great value on ceremonies.

However, since we exchanged meaningful wedding gifts (engagement ring) and discussed that we recently found ways to prioritize funds from engagements for wedding costs instead… we managed to reach an understanding.

Despite both of us working a distance from one another's family home, they still suggest cohabitation, which we have gently declined.

Response 34

Though my husband’s family suggested we should have an engagement ceremony, my family wanted to direct those expenses toward wedding costs instead, and we considered an introductory meal sufficient!

Response 35

I didn’t want it, but when my fiancé asked about having an engagement ceremony, I declined, suggesting that such customs might not be as common these days.

Response 36

I don’t think engagement means asking for caregiving, but changing surnames signifies marrying into the other family and becoming part of their household, doesn’t it?

Even though we married at a young age, it was suggested to have an engagement party with a meal and gifts involved.

Response 37

Nowadays, there isn't much of a deep meaning behind engagements. I also had one, and it was primarily to strengthen the two families' ties. I requested an informal approach instead of a fancy ceremony!

Response 38

I was also approached by my husband's mother about the engagement, and although my father returned the engagement gift, he instructed us to use the money for ourselves. The other party seemed pleased with that gesture ☺️

Response 39

I feel like people may not think too deeply on this matter. I think it would be good to ask your fiancé about their intentions behind wanting the engagement while also confirming your value in the relationship.

There are options for informal engagement ceremonies or simply exchanging tokens, so exploring different ways might be beneficial.

My plan was a brief formal ceremony preceding a meal meeting at a hotel.

Response 40

I wasn’t asked about the engagement ceremony, but when my parents inquired about introductions, I felt uneasy because of my circumstances where we registered before meeting. They said, "You are marrying into our family, so this is customary!" which struck me as odd.

I often felt discomfort with my husband’s parents, so rather than complying with their needs from the beginning,

I communicated to my husband, "Changing the surname does not mean you become a member of their family; I will always regard my own family as my primary."

Response 41

We had an engagement ceremony, but I never felt it was that burdensome.

Perhaps it's a rural thing? It seemed more like formality to us.

I don't think my in-laws thought deeply about it either. Although we can’t predict what the future holds...

Response 42

We registered just before the end of the Heisei era. When visiting my family before the introduction meal, they insisted on the engagement ceremony.

My father asserted, "It’s outdated, many people don’t do it nowadays, let's skip the formalities." His mother quickly agreed.

My father didn’t push for this, but since I had no strong preferences, I appreciated his statement.

Response 43

I did not have one, but my brother did. It’s rather unusual nowadays, but it still exists in certain regions. My fiancée's family preferred it, especially in Tokushima.

I don’t think it means anything like asking for care (laughs). That’s the first time I heard such thoughts (laughs). It serves as a ceremony to formalize the marriage from a “promise between two individuals” to “a promise between families.”

In contemporary settings, it often shifts to the “meal meeting” format instead.

There are various options to conduct a simple engagement, or the engagements can be arranged so that fewer responsibilities fall upon the couple themselves.

It’s essential to respect the wishes of both parties; however, recognizing that marriage entails a bond with the other family as well is important.

Response 44

I was asked, "Do you want to have an engagement ceremony?" but I felt no necessity for it, so I responded right there, "We don’t need an engagement."

However, it seems they were flexible about it...

It may be worth asking his parents how they feel about wanting the engagement as it may hold meaning for them!

I think many parents still carry such an attitude simply because they’ve always held those traditions.

Response 45

Conversely, my husband's family asked if we were going to have the engagement ceremony 😂 We are getting married next week, but we have not received any congratulations or financial support from them.

These days, the trend is that if you don’t have an engagement, the husband's family should ideally contribute to wedding costs, I had thought. Still, through multiple meetings, that topic has never arisen...

My parents provided support for the wedding, and since the venue required pre-payments, they lent me money beforehand.

I’ve informed my husband’s family about that, but reportedly they haven’t communicated with my family. Generally, one would expect some acknowledgment, right?

It seems my husband himself is indifferent to finances, but I never imagined his parents would be so unengaged...

While it turned into a bit of a lament, I believe if there's money involved, it’s best to accept what one could receive.

Response 46

It feels like too negative a view of the engagement is being held...

The engagement is a traditional ritual where the intentions of the man and woman are confirmed between the two families.

A proposal is more like a verbal agreement, and this ceremony solidifies that commitment.

Originally, it involved the man's family offering gifts like food and wine to the woman's family as part of the engagement process, where the woman's family hosts the meal in turn.

Engagements encompass more than confirming that bond; they serve to strengthen ties between families who will now be related by marriage.

It’s a traditional Japanese ceremony, where it’s customary for the man’s family to present “engagement money,” making it somewhat rare for the man’s side to request this.

So when they express wanting the engagement, it might be a sign conveying, "We will cherish your precious daughter."

Rather than worry about caregiving and such, try to focus on the joy before you. After all, two families are coming as one! This event is significant, so please keep a positive perspective on it.

Response 47

I was also asked, but I opted not to overthink it and allowed them to hold the engagement ceremony, receiving engagement money.

My fiancé’s parents expressed their feelings towards it as "We appreciate your daughter for becoming part of our family" rather than indicating I would become just another family member. 😉

It seems the tradition was for the bride to bring along items such as dressers as return gifts; however, since I didn’t need anything, my parents bought me a luxurious feather comforter with that money instead.✨

Upon researching, it carries more serious connotations, so I think it could help to ask your fiancé about their parents' intentions regarding the engagement!

There’s not much merit to denying it unilaterally, as that could affect future relationships between the families.

Response 48

Nice to meet you.

I’m a bride-to-be who just completed her engagement ceremony at the end of last month! We initially planned only a meal meeting for introductions.

However, my fiancé and his family wished to make this commitment tangible, desiring to embed that seriousness with monetary considerations for the engagement.

I remember being incredibly grateful to receive such a rare opportunity in this day and age.

While each family may differ in perspective, engaging in this ritual does not inherently mean being obligated to caregiving or conforming to their household completely; there are positive interpretations here as well. There's no need to think negatively about it; I feel it was a valuable chance.

We also work together and will have separate living arrangements, but I think having gone through the engagement has been worthwhile!

Response 49

The initial mindset seems flawed.

Regardless of an engagement, you will form a family, and it’s expected to assist each other in future matters and care.

The desire for an engagement may come from a family that values tradition and wishes to do things honorably.

Consider the significance of changing surnames, being welcomed into a new family, and what marriage represents; some deeper reflections may be warranted.

This has been a reflection from a current planner.

Each family's context is unique!

I’ve shared all the feedback.

✅ I didn't care and had the engagement.

✅ Received the engagement and felt more committed.

✅ Discussed canceling since it would be a burden for both.

✅ The other party’s attitude changed severely after the engagement was declined.

✅ The counterpart had no special significance regarding the engagement.

✅ I was even unhappy about not having an engagement.

There is a diversity of opinions out there.

Although situations are inherently uniform, perceptions of them can vary greatly among people. This variety is often evident today, and especially in this Heisei era where traditions should be reexamined based on shared understanding, it indicates just how necessary it is to communicate, articulate your viewpoints, and achieve mutual understanding.

Drawing out unvoiced emotions from your counterpart often demands courage, skill, and persistence, which can be stressful, yet it leads to happiness for both and avoiding lesser happiness is tragic.

Instead of jumping straight to the approach like, "Do you expect caregiving like this? Is living together mandatory?" perhaps it’s beneficial to initiate light discussions and gradually escalate toward those more serious topics.