"When Invited to a Wedding: How Much to Gift in Case of Absence or Cancellation?"

2021.09.20 published

What should I do if I have a friend who's a bride-to-be?

We received a consultation about such worries from a follower of marry＊

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I am not a bride-to-be, but rather her friend.

A friend who was planning to have a wedding has decided to cancel it. I got married three years ago, and she attended my wedding. Should I send her a gift of 30,000 yen?

Separately from my wedding gift, she used 30,000 yen to attend my wedding...

I have another friend who is also planning to get married, but I feel bad about it and I think I'm going to decline the invitation.

Should I send a gift of 30,000 yen in this case as well?

From the bride's perspective,

- In the case of cancellation

- If guests have to decline

Can you tell me how guests' responses would make you feel happy?

I would like to refer to the answers I received.

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Indeed, during this time, as a guest who has been invited, you may wonder how to behave if you have to decline or if the wedding is canceled.

Here are the answers we gathered＊

[Answer 1]

I am planning to have my wedding at the end of October. The second wave of COVID-19 is expanding more than expected, and I’m still torn between canceling, postponing, or proceeding with the wedding.

If I have to cancel, I'd feel worse receiving a gift of 30,000 yen. The decision to cancel was made by both the bride and the groom, so I think it's sufficient for the guests to provide only a gift.

However, if it were me deciding to cancel, I think I'd feel down, so receiving something special like a caricature of the two of them or a puzzle would brighten my mood and make me really happy☺️

[Answer 2]

From the perspective of a bride-to-be, I would be happy to receive a gift of 30,000 yen😂

While the sentiment behind the gift is what matters, I believe there are cancellation fees due to the cancellation, and I'm mentally and financially distressed...

Thinking that a friend is helping would be comforting. From the friend’s perspective, if it's a close friend, I would likely give a gift of 30,000 yen☺️

For friends whom I occasionally wonder why I invited them, I might consider a gift instead of a monetary gift😂

[Answer 3]

When I had to decline, I sent half of a gift of 30,000 yen and also sent a present.

If I wasn't attending the wedding, I would send a heartfelt 10,000 yen!

I am a bride-to-be, and many friends who had to decline from the groom’s side sent me about 10,000 yen by mail💓

I think a heartfelt gesture is good😊😊

[Answer 4]

I'm also postponing my wedding to December due to COVID-19.

Some of the friends I invited had attended my wedding, and when I postponed it, one of them sent me the participation fee of 20,000 yen as a gift.

Honestly, I’m not sure if it can be held even after postponing, and I may have to cancel it, so I felt very touched by that 20,000 yen.

To be honest, many friends have said, "I'll celebrate you later," but it's truly uncertain when the wedding will actually take place; I am unsure about the December date.

In May, I had planned a wedding announcement dinner with local friends. I wanted to invite them to the ceremony, but I thought it would be difficult for many friends with children to come to Tokyo, so we planned for my husband and me to go back home.

I attended their weddings; however, because there would no longer be a chance for a public celebration, I'm aware my friends feel they can't celebrate with me, and since we are all far apart, there’s not much we can do.

I think it might be okay to gather in smaller groups rather than all at once. Still, it's hard to know when we could even do that.

Of course, I appreciate the sentiment behind "I'll celebrate you later," but it seems like a common thing after getting married that some friends become distant.

I sometimes wonder if I will see friends again after their weddings. Some friends said, "Since you came to my wedding, let me celebrate you," and they sent gifts.

In this uncertain time when no one knows when they can have their wedding, I was truly grateful for those who wanted to celebrate me, and I hope to maintain those friendships.

If someone invited me to their wedding but didn't celebrate when I got married, I might choose not to continue that relationship.

[Answer 5]

It depends on when you decline, but from the bride's perspective, it’s fine not to feel pressured, but if I receive something, it would make me happy to know the sentiment is conveyed!

It also depends on when the guests inform about their absence. If it’s within three weeks before the ceremony, preparations are almost finished, and food may have already been ordered, so if they could offer any form of assistance, that sentiment would be appreciated.

That being said, personally, no matter when the cancellation occurs (whether it is due to the bride's reasons or guests), I believe it incurs time and money to prepare, so I typically give a gift or gift card.

In terms of timing, if it’s within two weeks when the food has likely been ordered, I would give a gift of 30,000 yen. If it’s before the food has been ordered, I would offer something in the range of 10,000 to 15,000 yen.

From the bride's perspective, it's heart-wrenching not to be able to have a wedding when they've wanted to. There’s a sense of wanting guests to come, but without wanting to push too hard, which is a dilemma. Furthermore, the closer it gets to cancellation, the more emotional damage accumulates.

Ultimately, the essence of a celebration is the sentiment, and since I want to continue building relationships with friends, I intend to provide gifts to soften their feelings of sadness.

*Note: For those who knew they couldn't make it before the invitation was sent, this does not apply.

*For acquaintances, I think it's okay not to go above and beyond since those relationships might fade over time.

I apologize for being blunt, but I hope this is helpful.

[Answer 6]

I work in the bridal industry and often receive such consultations from many customers.

I believe that if someone has come to my wedding, it’s best for me to give a gift of 30,000 yen.

If not, it might be nice to send a heart-felt gift that they can use as newlyweds 😌

[Answer 7]

I’m the one getting married next month.

In my case, there are several friends who will miss my wedding due to COVID situations.

I had friends who either

① Gave pretty solid gifts,

② Sent celebratory money,

③ Only reached out with a message.

With group (③), it’s understandable, but it still feels a bit odd.

With ① and ②, I appreciate the sentiment and felt good receiving both. However, I also feel a bit guilty for setting a wedding during this time.

Additionally, for friends who are not having a ceremony, I believe that costs aren't too high, so a gift instead of cash should be fine!

This is my personal take, so it may differ from the concerns of the questioner's friends but thought I’d share for reference...

[Answer 8]

This is tough, indeed...

Since you aren't having a ceremony, the recipient may feel significantly pressured, but if you have the means, I think sending 30,000 yen is a nice gesture.

It would imply they were looking forward to it, and if it’s a cancellation and not a postponement, it would mean even more to them.

I hope your intentions reach the recipient.

[Answer 9]

I think it truly becomes a matter of feelings, so whether the wedding is canceled or if someone has to decline, I doubt there would be any negativity if you choose not to send a gift.

However, knowing the cancellation or absence is filled with heartache, I believe sending a gift of money would likely bring joy to the other party!

[Answer 10]

If you're not attending the ceremony, I think a gift card worth about 10,000 yen or sending what they desire would be good.

At that time, let them know there’s no need for reciprocation; otherwise, they might feel compelled to send about half back.

Considering the cost, the guests usually cover around 20,000 yen for food and such.

So, receiving 30,000 yen would likely add to the pressure of returning something.

[Answer 11]

I also held a wedding three years ago and am scheduled to attend a friend's wedding in October, but I have been pondering about what to do regarding gifts if I end up canceling or missing it.

I would be coming from out of state, so I told the bride and groom it’s perfectly okay to decline my invitation if they feel uneasy about the uncertainty of COVID prolonging. I also mentioned I'd celebrate in a different way.

I don’t plan to give a gift of 30,000 yen if I’m not attending their wedding.

I’ve already celebrated with them when they announced their engagement last year, and I believe the meal and favors at the wedding are included in that 30,000 yen, so if canceled or absent, I plan to send them something they like instead＊

Friends who had to miss my wedding (mostly teachers whose schedules overlapped) sent me congratulatory messages along with gifts worth about 3,000 yen.

I did not receive cash, so it’s refreshed into my knowledge.

[Continue with additional answers...]