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The groom's sister seems to be attending my wedding with her fiancé (who is married). Does it bother you? Can you ignore it?
2023.12.01 published
A relative seat is taken by someone who might be having an affair (?)
A DM was received on marry's Instagram.
*********
The wedding is coming up soon.
The groom's sister has a partner who is supposed to attend as a fiancé, but upon further inquiry, it turns out that this fiancé actually has a wife.
(They have been living separately for many years and the divorce is in process. It seems the wife is refusing to divorce, but if the divorce goes through, they plan to get married.)
His parents are aware of this and don’t seem to have any problem with it, but I feel uncomfortable with someone who is married attending as a fiancé, and I haven’t been able to relay that to my parents.
How would you all feel about this....???
Here are the gathered responses.
⬇️ The results of this poll are at the bottom of the article!!
Response 1
No, absolutely not!
I don’t understand why an affair partner would be there!
Response 2
I didn't mind too much. But if the bride is concerned, I think it would make for a more satisfying ceremony if she speaks up!
It might be best if the groom conveys this to his sister....
Response 3
I think the consultant's feelings are normal. I have a distaste for a partner who would get engaged despite being married.
The fiancé is essentially a stranger to the bride, so I don't think there’s any need for them to attend the ceremony.
Response 4
You're talking about the groom's sister, right?
I understand that it can feel unpleasant, but I think speaking up about it would be overstepping.
We don't know if the sister and fiancé will actually get married, but they will still be family going forward, right? If it were me, I would avoid causing unnecessary waves.
Response 5
If they themselves and their parents say it's fine, then isn't it okay? 🤔
Even if they’re in the midst of a divorce process, if they’re willing to introduce them to their parents, they must genuinely want to get married.
They might be married right now, but they’ll be getting married once the divorce is finalized, right...?
Unless it explicitly states they’re married, wouldn’t it be fine to introduce them as a partner? I really don’t see what the issue is 🤔
For those who would absolutely not want them to attend, I wonder what they would do if a friend they really wanted to invite was currently having an affair... just a thought, haha.
Response 6
I honestly don’t think much of it! Haha
I might think it sounds complicated, but if he and his parents are on board, then it really isn’t my place to interfere!
I doubt the consultant's parents would mind anything about it either... It feels like overthinking to me 😂
If I told my parents something like that, I imagine they’d be like, “Aren't you just in wedding high? Just because it's your wedding doesn't mean you can say whatever! Don't interfere with others!” and they would get angry 😂
Response 7
Aren’t his parents being rude? (laughs)
Someone should really educate their son.
I’d definitely think that! 😂
As for the wife refusing to divorce, I wonder how much of that is actually true...
I think the fact that they aren’t divorced speaks volumes. 😂💭
Response 8
As a criterion for inviting someone as a partner, I exclude those who are not legally married.
Therefore, even long-term partners or fiancés don’t qualify.
Response 9
I’ve often heard of people breaking up just before the wedding, which is why I wouldn’t invite anyone unless there was certainty.
There were relatives in our family whose engagements had been decided, but we didn’t invite their partners.
The person in question has various circumstances, but even so, I feel that inviting them might leave a lingering discomfort if something happens after the ceremony.
I think not having unpleasant memories at a wedding is ideal, so I don’t think I would invite them.
Response 10
It depends on the relationship up to that point, but I probably wouldn’t invite them to the wedding. In that case, I would discuss with the sister or the two of them properly.
Response 11
I can understand the consultant's feelings.
And congratulations on your wedding!
If it were me, I would want them to wait until the divorce was finalized before attending the wedding.
If the consultant doesn’t mind, then they should just focus on having fun on the big day.
However, when looking back at family photos taken on the day, I would hope the fiancé will become the groom's sister's husband, but if that doesn’t happen, I feel it might make me sad each time I look back at those photos.
Despite there being diversity in today’s world, I feel just as the consultant does about a partner in the middle of the divorce process sitting in the family seat.
Response 12
This might be a tough opinion, but if the divorce isn’t finalized and the current wife is refusing, then the groom's sister is just a mistress, right?
I wouldn’t want to invite someone like that due to superstitions 🌀
I wouldn’t even want to explain it to my parents...💦
I also don’t want to worry them about whether it’s okay to marry someone with such an inconsiderate relative.
Besides, there’s no telling whether the current wife might show up on the wedding day causing a scene... so from that perspective, I wouldn’t want them to attend either.
Response 13
When I had my wedding, one of my friends had a boyfriend who was a married man (having an affair).
Having an affair makes marriage and married life appear special, so I remember hearing her later say, “I was crying all along!” and thinking there must have been so many emotions behind that.
I was really happy that she wanted to attend since we were close friends.
Response 14
I get that this is a complicated situation, so it’s not that I don’t think about it, but since it doesn’t really involve me, I wouldn't reject their attendance or criticize them...
Having to confront everyone over that would be troublesome.
Response 15
I don’t think I could invite them.
His parents seem fine with it, but if the values of him and his family differ from the bride’s, there could be issues post-wedding 💦
If I heard that the husband of my sister’s fiancé was undergoing divorce proceedings but would join a new fiancé’s wedding, I doubt my parents would feel positively about it.
I would be okay with conceding a hundred steps if it were a definitive divorce and impending marriage, but divorce proceedings seem like a taboo subject for a celebratory event 💦
There’s no point in arguing over it, so on the day of the wedding, I hope that the bride and groom have a wonderful time without worrying too much about others.
Response 16
If I can't explain it, then I wouldn’t invite them at all 😅
Response 17
I find it suspicious to be engaged to a new partner while still married.
There should be a clear resolution to the divorce before moving on to engagement—that’s how I view things.
Additionally, even if they are engaged, if they haven't tied the knot yet, I don’t think they should be required to attend. After all, they are still only engaged, and if there are complications from divorce negotiations, they certainly shouldn’t be forced to attend.
Response 18
It’s essentially an affair. I would just express that I’d prefer them not to attend because it's bad luck.
I wouldn’t say anything to my parents especially; it really doesn’t concern anyone who isn’t family.
Response 19
Since it’s the groom's sister, I’d never even think about telling my parents nor do I really care.
Response 20
If the bride is having a rough time expressing this to her parents, I think it may be best for her to ask her husband to politely explain she won't be attending.
If her husband is okay with that, then even though they are engaged, I think it wouldn’t look out of place not to attend since they aren't officially married yet...
Since it is a once-in-a-lifetime wedding, I don’t think it’s good for the bride and groom to hold the ceremony with lingering discomfort.
Response 21
Let’s just say that we won’t have such a grand wedding that we have to invite the siblings’ fiancés (so it’s okay to decline).
Response 22
Honestly, I oppose having someone whose relationship is still ambiguous as my partner in front of my happy wedding attendees.
Especially when the reason is a divorce negotiation which feels ominous.
The only reason the other partner hasn't divorced yet is due to the lack of their partner’s approval. This suggests there may be issues that might be problematic.
Was the sister having an affair? What’s going on?! I feel uneasy.
If it were me, I wouldn’t want someone who's still married and in the process of getting divorced to be treated as my fiancé on such an important day.
Hence, I wouldn’t want only the sister to attend; I wouldn’t want the partner to be there at all.
In fact, I might even feel conflicted about the parents if they allowed this to happen.
Therefore, I wouldn’t want them to attend at all.
Since this is a significant beginning for me, I hope you can make a choice that satisfies your feelings.
Response 23
Is it really not okay???
Those who react to such things would seem to be people who enjoy gossip or tabloid news (petty)...
I think that such attitudes towards others could eventually lead to bad situations for oneself as well.
Response 24
I wouldn’t invite them.
Response 25
I get that it might make you uneasy, but there’s no need to squabble over it, and you probably don’t need to tell your parents either...
Rather than focusing on that, why not dedicate your energy to making your guests feel happy instead? 🥰
Response 26
I have been in a divorce negotiation concerning child custody and guardianship for a year and a half, and I think if I were in that situation, I would feel so guilty that I would decline attendance.
Even if I’m not at fault, in Japan right now, legally speaking, unless the divorce papers are filed, we’re still considered a couple. And if I'm in a closed room with another gender for an extended period, it could be deemed an act of infidelity.
If sued, it can be a serious matter.
Given that context, I feel uncomfortable attending a wedding where my partner's family gathers.
Of course, I think rumors might arise, and if I want a joyful wedding, I would consult the sister candidly, prepared for a possible argument.
Response 27
Absolutely not.
I’d consult with my spouse about whether we can reject that person’s attendance.
The current wife refusing to agree to a divorce means that, in her eyes, this is a clear affair.
I would absolutely not want someone having an affair at my wedding. I’d even prefer if my sister didn’t come at all (though I wouldn’t go that far in insisting).
It feels ominous for someone to attend a joyous occasion while still entangled in such messy affairs.
If my spouse conveys that understanding and acts accordingly, I could feel confident that we will overcome challenges together in the future.
On the contrary, if they do not grasp and act on this, I might feel like I'd have to endure any future issues with their family, which could lead me to reconsider the marriage altogether.
Response 28
I wouldn’t want them to attend until the divorce is finalized. I think that’s unacceptable.
Response 29
I think you should have a proper dialogue with him to resolve your uneasy feelings.
If I were the bride's mother, I would personally feel uncomfortable.
I wouldn’t want conflict, but it is an important day. You should consult with him.
If the divorce isn't finalized, it seems strange to call your partner "fiancé."
There’s no trust in that arrangement.
Such casual promises are unreliable, and it could tarnish the important day of your daughter’s wedding.
Also, if they do not succeed in finalizing the divorce and end up separating, I believe the sister will forever dislike your wedding.
If they still want to attend, how about attending not as a fiancé but as a friend?
It’s too sad to have to explain such things to your parents. The bride shouldn’t have to bear this burden alone, so consult with your husband.
Response 30
I imagine that many would feel "uncomfortable."
However, remember that your sister-in-law is also a future bride like you 🥺
I believe she’s going through a happy engagement, and only they truly understand their situation. It feels a bit cruel to deny her happiness...
Each person has a different definition of happiness, and if I were in her shoes, it would be very sad to have my partner denied. 🥺
Response 31
I completely understand your feelings! I'm in a similar situation with my partner.
I’ve been dealing with domestic violence in a divorce court for a year and a half, but I still can’t finalize it. We have mutually agreed on the divorce, so I have someone I’m planning to marry post-divorce.
If the fiancé has been enduring domestic violence just like I am, how would you feel?
I understand that the fact of not being divorced raises doubts. However, perhaps the groom feels assured that he can entrust his sister to someone he sees fit regardless of the divorce status.
From my point of view, even being engaged while not divorced, I wish people would consider the circumstances and who I really am.
Response 32
It seems better for the sister in terms of romance to have them attend, right? 🥹
Response 33
The main characters are not his parents but the consultant and her partner (husband?), so I think they need to discuss this properly together.
Response 34
Oh wow! It feels extremely uncomfortable!!
"A married person as a fiancé" is not socially acceptable, even if they are satisfied within their circumstances.
Isn’t there some way to have them politely decline to attend? 💦
It’s their wedding after all!!!
Response 35
If I were in this situation, I wouldn't allow their participation.
Regardless of the circumstances, it’s unacceptable that they aren’t divorced yet.
Response 36
It’s the bride’s ceremony, so it’s fine to refuse attendance if it makes you uncomfortable. It's a once-in-a-lifetime occasion, and there’s no time to spend being uneasy about it.
I currently have financial problems with my brother (sister-in-law), and while the number of relatives decreased, since declining the invitation I’ve had a clear mind to attend.
Response 37
Since it pertains to the groom’s guests, I think it’s irrelevant.
Whether he wants to invite them or not is his decision.
My ex-boyfriend is in the guests' list as well. Even now, we are on good terms in a group; therefore, I invited him.
While it might make him uncomfortable if I mention it, he is one of my valued guests, so I wouldn’t make it into a big deal, even if he said he didn’t want to come.
Response 38
Our family has a system where partners at the family table cannot attend unless they are legally married.
53% found it troubling but chose not to act upon it.
We received several responses.
The poll results indicate that 53% said, “It bothers me, but I’ll accept it” (they’ll accept it) which is a majority.
Meanwhile, 40% expressed, “It really bothers me and makes me uncomfortable” (they want to react), indicating that those who would take action such as saying “this is strange!” seem to be a smaller fraction.
Life often presents us with situations that lack clear answers, and even with varying circumstances and emotions, we must navigate living together...
Among the 40% who felt discomfort from it, I thought that perhaps even among them, a minority would convey to the actual person, "Please don’t attend!"
<Results>
Those who express their discomfort... remain at 39%.
As it was often stated that having an affair brings bad luck, I also conducted a poll to ask if you would invite a friend who is having an affair to your wedding.
<Results>
Only 11% were willing to convey their unwillingness to invite them.
