[Complete Guide] How to Decline an Invitation to a Wedding You Can't Attend: Tips for Writing Your Response Card
2018.08.03 published
I Was Invited to a Wedding ♡ But I Can’t Attend Due to Certain Circumstances...!
Being invited to a wedding is a very delightful thing ♡ Attending is the top priority whenever possible, but
there are times when we must unfortunately decline due to unavoidable circumstances. While I truly want to celebrate in person, it is really frustrating not to be able to go.
However, once you've decided to decline, it's important to communicate this smoothly to the couple. Some might think, “It’s difficult to tell them, as it feels like I’m ruining their joyous occasion…”
But the couple is naturally very interested in the attendance of their guests. Make sure to convey your message politely and promptly.
So this time, I'll introduce how to respond to a wedding invitation when you need to decline, including [timing-based] and [content-based] approaches, as well as how to write a response card.*
What to Do First if You've Decided to Decline?
If you've been invited to a wedding but it looks like you’ll have to decline, what should you do first?
Here, I'll introduce the actions to take based on the timing of when you find out you can’t attend.
Response When Declining Before Receiving the Invitation
First up, let’s talk about the time before the invitation arrives! Wedding invitations are typically sent out 2 to 3 months before the wedding day. Hence, it is common for the couple to say things like, “We’ll be having the wedding on [date]! I would love for you to come if you can.”
If you already know at that point that you cannot attend, make sure to communicate that right away ◎
In this case, a phone call, email, or message on LINE is acceptable. A phone call tends to leave a more courteous impression.
~~Example of a LINE message when declining a wedding invitation~~
Congratulations on your wedding! Thank you for the invitation.
I would love to attend, but unfortunately, I have a prior commitment (such as a family event or a business trip) on that day, so I cannot join.
I’m really sorry for not being able to come despite the invitation.
I would love to celebrate separately, so how about we go out for a meal together soon?
While it's not necessary to give a monetary gift, many people choose to give a wedding gift in lieu of attending. It seems common for friends to give amounts ranging from 5,000 to 20,000 yen, depending on their relationship.
However, if you have already had a wedding and that friend has given you a gift, that changes things.
Many people tend to give the same amount they received as a gift (usually around 30,000 yen from friends).
Returning what you've received is a mark of courtesy for adults. Make sure to keep this in mind! ♩
Response When Declining After Receiving the Invitation – Up to the RSVP Deadline
When you receive the wedding invitation and need to decline, respond with “declining” on the RSVP card and send it back. However, it's recommended to also communicate this via phone or email beforehand ◎.
It might be tempting to think, “Since I already told them over the phone, I don’t need to send the RSVP card,” but the couple may want to confirm attendance through the card, so it’s good etiquette to respond properly even if you are declining.
Moreover, if you decline after receiving the invitation, many people give around 1/3 to half of the amount they would have given as a gift if they had attended.
For friends, it seems common to give a 10,000 yen gift ◎.
When you send back the RSVP card to decline, put cash in a gift envelope and send it via registered mail.
Additionally, many also choose to give a wedding gift (potentially larger than their regular budget) to express their regrets about not being able to attend ◎.
Depending on your relationship with the couple, it’s advisable to present something in some form.*
Response When Declining – 3 Days Before the Wedding to the Wedding Day
Sometimes, emergencies arise after you have replied with “attending,” causing you to be unable to attend. In such cases, the catering and gifts may already have been arranged and it can often be difficult to cancel.
Since you’ve already responded once, it’s courteous to include about half of the gift money you initially planned to give.
Make sure to call and say something like, “I’m really sorry for the sudden change after already confirming attendance.”
Of course, failing to return the RSVP card by the deadline without notifying anyone is absolutely not allowed! If you’re unsure about your ability to attend by the RSVP deadline, communicate this to the couple in advance along with an explanation of when you expect to have a clear answer.
Response When Declining – The Day of the Wedding
If you discover right before the wedding (3 days to the actual day) that you can no longer attend, it's essential to notify the couple as soon as possible! Apologize sincerely for not being able to attend at the last minute.
As it’s usually impossible to cancel the catering or gifts at this point, it’s best to give the same amount you would have if you were attending. Make sure to at least give half of that amount.
Sending a Telegram on the Day of the Wedding is a Nice Touch When Declining
If you've been invited to a wedding but can't attend, sending a telegram on the day itself is also a recommended way to convey your feelings ◎.
Recently, cute telegram options like balloons and marshmallow telegrams, besides traditional ones, are available, so consider sending them filled with celebratory sentiments! ♡
➡ Recommended Balloons for Telegrams ♡